What I'm Missing

This photo was taken last week when our friends came to visit with their baby, G. This baby means a lot to us, for many reasons, one of which is that his name rhymes with Cayden's, intentionally. To have Cayden honored through this baby's name was the biggest gift we have been given. To know that when people ask this baby, as a little boy, as an adult, where he got his name, Cayden's name will be mentioned, is such a comfort and a blessing.

Watching Scott with G. was amazing. And it broke my heart. Seeing this radiant smile, knowing that Cayden will never be able to gaze up at it, will never be held in his daddy's arms again, breaks me. I miss a lot about Cayden, but I especially miss seeing him with Scott. This Sunday will be a hard day.

Puppy Love

When my world turned upside in January, there were a few things that held constant. And a big one was Scout's love, affection, and companionship. I don't know what I would've done over the past few months, especially during my leave from work, if I hadn't had Scout to care for. She provided endless cuddles, the perfect walking companion, and the unconditional love that only dogs can give. We're sad her little brother never got to meet her, and we know they would've been great buddies. In this photo, she's curled up on the blanket that covered Cayden's isolette. People have asked if we think Scout understood that something was going on back in January, and while there's no way to be sure, this picture speaks a thousand words to me. Happy 5th Birthday Scouty!

As I was walking to meet a friend today, my feet were aching. It reminded me of this poem that I found early on in this journey. I think it's very, very appropriate, though I'm not so sure about the strength part, not really feeling that yet.

My Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes, I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so badly that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet I continue to wear them,

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy I can tell in others' eyes,

yet they are glad they are my shoes and not their's.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes, you must walk in them.

But once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in the world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they walk in them,

Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go

before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes, I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

-Author Unknown-