38 Weeks and Sunflower's Arrival

The first and most exciting news is that Sarah and David welcomed Ezra's little brother, Micah Amir, early this morning. Knowing another rainbow baby has made it safely into the world is a wonderful feeling and my heart is simply leaping for Micah's mama and daddy.

My 38 week OB appointment today was entirely uneventful. No change at all from last week and Dr. M. said she'd be surprised if Buggy comes before his scheduled c-section date. Apparently all that bedrest really scared my cervix into behaving and while 80% effaced, it's still very posterior and not dilated one little, teensy bit.

Any hint of disappointment that things aren't progressing quickly faded as I realized that this scenario is truly amazing. A chunky and full-term Buggy is all we ever hoped for and it seems it's what we might get. Now to think of ways to fill the next 12 days...

Almost 37 Weeks

No big changes to report. According to Dr. A.'s exam today I am now 80% effaced but not dilated yet. It makes it clear that bedrest for the last three months was necessary, as going from 50% to 80% in a matter of 5 days is a decent change in the length of my cervix.

So we're waiting, walking, bouncing on a birth ball, drinking tea, eating spicy food and pineapple, telling Buggy he can come whenever he wants, but also understanding that when the time is right, it's right, and there's not too much we can do to change that. The silver lining of it all, besides having gotten this far, is that even if we end up with our scheduled c-section on January 12, it will be performed by my amazing OB Dr. M. and by Dr. A. As much as I'd like Buggy to come sooner than that, there's also something pretty special about these two incredible doctors helping Buggy be born.

Thank you all so much for your support and for checking in. It means the world to us!

Quick 36 week update

50% effaced and soft, -2 station, not dilated. Any and all tips on how to get things going would be much appreciated, Scott wants the 2009 deduction;)

A 36 Week Gift

What's a million times better than being let off bedrest today? Ocea Marie Dudley's safe arrival into her mom, Carly, and Dad, Sam's, arms. Welcome to the world beautiful baby. We are so happy you are here!

A Ray of Sun, Bronx Style

Despite being a dreary, rainy, and cold San Francisco day, my heart was just warmed considerably.

Right after college, I taught for two years in the South Bronx. My first year, I had an incredible student named Mervin who was bright, polite, and everything you could want as a first year teacher. He left after second grade for a gifted school that I worked with his parents to get him into, and I've often wondered about how he's fared.

The other day, I decided to google Mervin's name, to see if anything would come of it, and I found a facebook page that I was pretty sure was his. I sent him a message, telling him that I'd thought of him often over the past 9 years and that I hoped he was doing well. Today he wrote me back. Turns out the facebook page is his dad's, but Mervin Jr. responded to my message. To know that he is alive and well, not a given when you grow up where lives, made my day!

(Mervin is the little guy on the left, sitting on his knees, half cut-off.)

Steaming Mad

(Warning: long rant below)

I used to love getting mail. Ask Scott, he'll tell you that since I've been on bedrest, one of the highlights of my day is when he walks in...with the mail. Junk, catalogues, dentist reminder cards, I love it all. After Cayden died, and so many amazing friends and family made donations to the hospital in his memory, we received acknowledgement cards from CPMC, cards that both reinforced the fact that our baby was gone while simultaneously warming our hearts with the knowledge that he touched so many during his short life.

But really, over the past two weeks, I've started to dread getting the mail. Why? I'm trying to be calm and zen as this pregnancy winds down, but that is very difficult to do on days when we receive bills for care that I received on January 14, January 16, and for various tests that Cayden received. Today marked the sixth bill received in two weeks. Among many questions I have, why the hell are we receiving this bills almost a full year later?!

Two weeks ago, we received a $999 bill for "services" rendered January 14, 2009. Interesting to call the crap medical care I received "services" since it was more of a disservice. To quickly recap: I went to L&D that night and it was discovered that I was contracting every 5 minutes. Cayden's heartrate was completely unreactive, which no one picked up on. The midwife did an internal exam and then realized she couldn't do a fetal fibronectin after an internal exam, as the results would be tainted. So she sent me home and told me to return for a fetal fibronectin on Friday morning, January 16, which would become Cayden's birthday. I'm still shocked to think that she sent me home at 31 weeks 6 days contracting every 5 minutes without any discussion of steroid shots for baby's lungs, or of medication to stop the preterm labor. I know that Cayden had a lethal condition, and good care wouldn't have changed anything, but what about a woman carrying a healthy baby? A healthy yet unreactive and distressed baby whose mother was in preterm labor? I shudder to think of that outcome.

Insurance says they paid the contractually allowed amount and that the hospital should not come to me to recoup the difference. Hospital tells me to disregard the bill. One week later, I receive another bill from the hospital for the $999 plus the insurance company's share. Hospital says insurance requested a refund. Insurance company says they didn't. And scene.

Luckily, my dad has taken over this battle, as it's simply too much for me to handle at this point.

Then last week we get a bill for $2, 435 for an MRI for "Boy Pai Baby Hirsch" on January 23. On said bill it states, "Your insurance has denied payment. The cannot identify you as a member. Pleas remit payment in full. Thank you." The typos are intentional, that's what it says. For whatever reason, they didn't use Cayden's name. Insurance says they have no record of receiving any claim. Imaging center says they sent it but will resend. Then yesterday I got another bill from the same center for $930 for additional tests. I'm about to send it back with a note to BILL MY FREAKING INSURANCE COMPANY!

As an aside, I sent a request for my medical records to St. Luke's last week, as furiously pondering the horrendous care I received made me wonder what my records reflect. I requested ANY and ALL records. St. Luke's just called and this was the conversation:

Woman: Um, we receieved your request. Did you sign a release?

Me: Well, wouldn't it be in my file if I did? I mean, we're talking a year and half ago, I don't really remember.

Woman: What do you want?

Me: In terms of...?

Woman: Your records.

Me: So I take it you found a release form? Like I specified in the letter, I'd like all of my records.

Woman: Okay, bye.

Talk about rubbing salt in gaping wounds, there's just something so unfair about having to make calls, explain your story, just dealing with this reality in the aftermath of losing a child. I'm thinking of supergluing shut our mailbox. Surely that would help, wouldn't it?

34 weeks...still on the couch

Today was our big, important 34 week ultrasound. The one that would determine whether or not I'd be released from bedrest. Though Buggy looks great, weighing in at 5 pounds 3 ounces, my cervix is still pretty short and Dr. A. wants two more weeks of bedrest. Buggy is at minus 2 station and is already engaged, so the risks of going into labor in the next two weeks aren't worth it. Though I had grand visions of taking Scout for walks, gaining back some strength, and finally enjoying a bit more freedom, two more weeks on the couch is a small price to pay for a big, healthy baby.

In 2 weeks, at 36 weeks, Dr. A. actually hopes I will go into labor and that Buggy will be able to come early as a VBAC. Though there is a risk of uterine rupture, it would be much better for Buggy's lungs if he were to squeeze his way out through the birth canal, rather than popping out through my belly, and will also decrease the future risk of placenta accreta. Part of this decision means that I will not get an epidural until very late, if at all. This is because the primary symptom of uterine rupture is a sharp, searing pain and having any pain relief would render me unable to feel the potential pain. So in Dr. A.'s words, "We might be a little mean to you." Since I had planned on an unmedicated hypnobirth with Cayden, this isn't outside of the realm of possibilities I'd considered, and I'm fine with the decision.

Dr. A. said today that even if she were a millionaire, she'd still do what she does because of patients like us, and that she can't wait to see and hold this baby, that she feels like he's partially hers. How can I possibly complain about anything when we are being cared for so lovingly by such amazing doctors? We are very lucky, in so many ways.