Code Silver

UPDATE: Code Silver resolved. And it was at the building across the street. Phew!

For the third time in a few minutes, the following message has gone off:

"Code Silver, 3838 Fourth Floor"

I figure I should know my code lingo, since I'll be here for a while, so I googled "code silver" and this is what I found:

Combative person with a Lethal Weapon

I'm hoping the "3838" refers to the 3838 California Street building, and not this one. Yikes!

Bedrest Days 15&16 (Monday/Tuesday)

Forgive me for the lack of an update yesterday, it was quite "busy" around here. The day started bright and early with the fetal fibronectin test, which was negative and means there is only a 3-5% chance of going into labor in the next two weeks. This was incredibly reassuring. Next up was a trip to the 4th floor for an ultrasound that also brought good news and the great picture of Buggy you see here.

After lunch, physical therapy came with a regimen to help decrease the muscle atrophy I've been feeling as a result of two weeks flat on my side. I'm grateful to have some concrete steps to take to hopefully prevent my body from becoming complete mush.

Today everyone was still riding the high of yesterday's good news. Buggy, now being nearly 25 weeks, has earned himself a half hour of fetal monitoring per shift. It's fun to be able to listen to his heart and hear and feel his movements simultaneously. He's showing great heart rate variability for a baby of his age, which indicates that his neurologic function is good at this point.

I had two special visitors today. C. came this afternoon and having been a part of our journey after losing Cayden, it was great to connect with her. A. visited this afternoon and brought a special surprise that I'm still figuring out how to display on the blog. Stay tuned... I also received some beautiful baby roses whose fragrance is amazing! By the way, I'm not being intentionally cryptic by using initials-just figure maybe it makes sense to respect others' privacy. If you'd rather me call you by your name, let me know. Jess is too well known to simply be J. anymore, though. Sorry Jess!

Random thoughts:

*Today marks 16 days in the hospital, 16 days having not used a blowdryer, and you would not believe the amount of hair one loses! I guess normally I don't notice it because I'm out and about, but when it all collects in my bed, well, it's a bit obscene.

*There will come a time in the very near future when the tiny little hospital towels will not fit around my body. I mean seriously, these are designed for 5 year olds, not pregnant women or anyone who weighs over 30 pounds.

*Every time I wash my hands I smell Cayden. Whether it be the soap in the bathroom or the hand sanitizer...this was our smell for the two weeks he spent in the NICU, constantly scrubbing in. It makes me happy sad each time I smell it.

*I'm reading "Say You're One of Them" and really enjoying it. Yes, I know book titles are supposed to be underlined, not in quotations, but it doesn't seem to be an option on blogger.

Test Three-Pass

Cervix lengthened a bit, which is great news, though it's still funneling. Buggy looked good, though I'd prefer more roundhouse kicks and punches to ease my mind. Fetal fibronectin was negative, too, so we aced today's tests. I celebrated with a grilled cheese for lunch:)

Bedrest Day 13 (Sunday)

Thought not as exciting as Saturday and Scout's visit, Sunday was great too. A Vikings win over the 49ers with seconds to spare brought some cheer, as did coffee, flowers, and a visit from Mr. Leber. A lunch from the "outside" and a home-cooked Jess dinner meant a nice break from hospital food, though I'm not yet complaining, it's really not bad. Monday will bring a repeat fetal fibronectin test and a cervical check ultrasound. Thinking stable thoughts, thinking stable thoughts...

Thank you all for your incredible support. I credit you with the fact that I am very far from going insane, which according to my nurses, is somewhat remarkable at the two week point!

The Best Day (Bedrest Day 12)

One guess why today was the best day yet...Scout came to visit! Not seeing her is, by far, the hardest thing about being in the hospital. We started out the day with a video chat during which Scott practiced putting Scout into a bag. Surprisingly, she didn't mind it at all.

I hopped into the shower and the next thing I knew...

We enjoyed some lunch and watched a movie as a family in bed. The three of us in this bed was, er, interesting.

Scout cozied up to my airboots

And later found her own little spot in the room

We also spent some time outside on the patio. We ended our time together with a video chat with Mimi and Abbey. It was a great day and I can't wait for my next Scout fix!

Silas Orion

Today I am thinking deeply of Silas Orion and of his parents, Lani and Chris. Lani was one of the first babylost mamas I encountered on this journey and she has been and continues to be an incredible support to me. Chris' writings as a babylost dad help me understand a daddy's perspective and I'll be forever grateful to him for sharing his innermost thoughts and feelings about his firstborn son.

In my mind, most babies are pretty, even the scrunched up, old man looking ones. But Silas is truly gorgeous in a way that few babies are. How I wish he were a toddling one year old, celebrating his first birthday and bouncing in his parents' arms. How I wish I'd never had to meet his amazing parents in this way. Chris and Lani, I'm sending you so much love and remembering and loving Silas today each time I look at the bunch of sunflowers on my shelf. They reach with longing for the sun, as I long with you for your baby boy.

24 Weeks and Bedrest Day 10 (Thursday)

Buggy hit 24 weeks today and we celebrated with a painful shot of betamethasone to my bum. It was not fun, but a relief to know that he's getting some help to develop his lungs more quickly, should he come earlier than expected. I'll get a second shot tomorrow, and I'll be sure to ask for ice this time, which apparently they forgot to give me. It won't help with the shakiness, sweating, and nausea, but at least will help with the achy feeling right after.

Today was full of fabtastic surprises. Emails, a fun card, a book bouquet from some former roommates, a lucky bamboo plant from a dear friend, and a package from mom and dad that included a blown up picture of Scout for the bulletin board. Thanks everyone, it's so generous of you and definitely brightens my day when the package mailman knocks on my door:)

So much of the focus for the past 10 days has been on my body and its ability to keep Buggy baking for at least 2 more months, but it's still very real to us that there is no guarantee that Buggy is healthy and that we could still learn he has Pena-Shokeir or a similar disease. This fear has taken a back seat considering the more pressing issues we can actually do something about. But these dual fears have definitely been competing for attention in my dreams, which have not been pleasant for the past two nights. I'm glad my anxiety is being processed when I'm in a less conscious state, but would prefer it go away completely.

10 Day Snapshot:

Number of grilled cheese sandwiches: 8

Number of temperature/blood pressure checks: 42

Number of 'touch downs' to listen to Buggy's heart: 32

Number of times I've been asked "Is that baby still in your belly?" by my favorite twins: 2

Bedrest Day 9 (Wednesday)

Today can be summed up in two words: awesome husband. Why, you ask? Because he surprised me with a massage especially for bedrested mamas. I love this guy!

Hmmm...

I'm not going to take it personally that my grilled cheese did not come with chips today. Dietary services does not read my chart and see my weekly weight gain, do they?

Bedrest Day 8 (Tuesday)

I woke up after having slept for a solid 7 hours and felt good. When I learned Helene was my day nurse, the day got even better! She makes my bed with two jersey sheets rather than the starchy regular ones, which is amazing. Like I said before, it's the little things...

Today I abandoned Water for Elephants. Many people have said they like this book, but I'm not a huge circus fan to begin with and the many scenes with animal violence were too much. So if anyone has a 'must read' to recommend, let me know. Preferably one without excessive death or violence.

I had a good conversation with C., same nurse as last night who was our nurse when Cayden was born. She hadn't heard of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, but told me that there is a loss packet that has a set of instructions that nurses follow when a baby dies. We agreed that this seems like the right place to include information about NILMDTS, so we're going to work to make sure it's part of the protocol. I so treasure our photos of Cayd and simply want other families to have the same opportunity, especially because I know families who have lost babies here at CPMC and weren't told about NILMDTS and wished they had been. It makes me so, so sad.

Bedrest Day 7 (Monday)

One week in the hospital, and it doesn't seem to be dragging! Today I had a great visit with S., who brought fun treats in a striped Ampersand bag, for those of you know what that means:)

My night nurse just walked in and low and behold it's C., the same nurse who was with us when I first arrived at CPMC last January 16, was in the operating room when Cayden was born, and in recovery afterwards. It's nice to be able to see her in a less stressful situation and she was glad to hear that Buggy seems healthy. It's bizarre to think of how we felt that night compared to how we are right now, such a different place, different perspective

I leave you with a parting shot of Buggy's profile, sorry for the poor quality.

Test Two

Ultrasound done. My cervix hasn't lengthened but it hasn't shortened, so it's hard to judge this test as either a pass or fail. Buggy is now measuring 1 lb. 8 oz., a gain of .3 oz. in a week. I'll post a photo of his cute little face a little later. For now I'm going to enjoy the fact that I still have shower privileges and take a hot one!

Bedrest Day 6 (Sunday)

Sunday, fun day! A Vikings win, a nice afternoon patio visit with Scott and two friends, who brought the most amazing chocolate chip cookies and delectable chocolates! I had an evening visit with Jess and watched the Giants pull out a last-minute victory over Dallas.

I've developed a pretty rash on my belly from the constant band that holds on my contraction monitor. Fortunately it doesn't itch too badly, and my nurse said she'd get an order for hydrocortisone from Dr. M.

Buggy continues to be very happy and my contractions are mild to none. Here's hoping for a great cervical ultrasound on Monday!

Update: Ultrasound at 10:00-any and all good vibes/thoughts/prayers appreciated!

Bedrest Day 5 (Saturday)

A lazy Saturday was in order after our night of mediocre sleep, so that's exactly what we did. Scott and I watched a bizarre French movie in bed after he made my day by getting Starbucks. Not having good coffee each day (don't worry, I'm allowed to have it because it's recommended when there's a history of fetal movement disorders) is tough! Scott also brough lunch in from outside, which was a nice change. I had a visitor in the afternoon which definitely helped break up the day.

We had a good conversation with Dr. S., who delivered Cayden; she's not our main MFM but she knows our story. And she's from Edina, so we get to talk Minnesota with her as a bonus. We discussed the survival rates for preemies, 50% at 24 weeks and up to 85% by 28 weeks and the rate of disabiilites associated with these gestational ages. We also talked about my unique case in that I don't feel my contractions. With Cayden, I was contracting every 5 and then eventually every 2 minutes and had no idea. She didn't want to speak for Dr. A., our main doctor, but thought that I would most likely end up doing my bedrest here, even though it'd be primarily for monitoring purposes. It seems like it may be too risky to send me home if I can't pick up on any contractions myself, and at-home uterine monitoring is not something they're huge fans of, as it's not very reliable.

Monday is a cervical ultrasound and we'll hope to see some lengthening given the week of bedrest. I'm counting on it, actually. And then steroid shots will happen at the end of next week. Since it looks like I might be in here for the long haul, I'm soliciting suggestions for how to decorate this room, in addition to the fabulous photos that grace my bulletin board and that help me deal with missing Scout so much.

Bedrest Day 4 (Friday)

Friday was nicely uneventful. I had a pretty bad headache and layed low (ha!) most of the day. Scott surprised me by coming over early and we spent some time on the patio and then ordered dinner. We celebrated Rosh Hashanah by eating a sweet, round molten lava chocolate cake. One of those a week and I'd be a very happy girl. Buggy enjoyed it too, as evidenced by much kicking. We then relived our college years by cramming two bodies into a twin-sized bed for the night. Not the most comfy sleepy arrangement, but cozy.

Test One-Pass!

AFI-amniotic fluid index-was 14.8, which is great. This means that the indocin didn't result in a decrease in Buggy's fluid. Speaking of Buggy, here are a few pictures!

Bedrest Day 3

Didn't sleep as well last night, but am hoping to make up for it tonight. I'm done with my first "machine gun" medication; it's so strong you can only take it for 72 hours and I have to have an ultrasound tomorrow morning called an AFI which checks my amniotic fluid index, as the medication can reduce it. A bit nervous about that, but hoping it goes well and that I've got an appropriate amount of fluid. Buggy seems to be moving fine, so I'm hopeful that's a good sign. Best part is no one will wake me at 1:00 am tonight for my nightly dose!

It's the little things in here that count. A hot shower, fresh sheets, and ice water with lemon (I swear, I'm not in a spa, really) and permission to be on a gurney out on the patio made my day! My day nurse Helene was awesome and was the one to think to ask perinatologist Dr. M. if I could get outside privileges. I layed out for about an hour in the warm sun and read, in a bikini. Just kidding, though I do need to do some online ordering of capri pants to fit over my compression boots, since I've been wearing the purple ones for 3 days now. Helene also brilliantly suggested that I use a strip for my TOCO monitor rather than a big belly band type thing, which makes for a much less itchy and more comfortable me.

Tonight was fabulous. I had a surprise visit from a sweet friend, and a dinner party with two Jumbos, who brought yummy food and many useful gifts to pass the time and make life a little easier. I felt very spoiled and lucky to have such amazing support, both in real life and those I haven't yet met in real life. Thank you.

And if you're keeping track, and I kind of am, just for fun, today was my third day in a row of grilled cheese for lunch!

8 Months Ago

It occurred to me last night as I was trying to fall asleep that exactly 8 months ago on the 16th, in this hopsital, one floor up, I had just given birth to my baby boy. Hard to believe.

Today marks 23 weeks and one more week until viability and betamethasone shots for Buggy's lungs. I hope so much we make it one week and then hopefully about 15 more. I had a few contractions overnight, according to my night nurse, but of course didn't feel them. Things seem calm now and I'm hoping they stay that way.

PS:I re-numbered the posts, because although I got admitted on Monday, I'm counting Tuesday as day 1 of bedrest.

Bedrest Day 2

Today I woke refreshed after somehow managing to sleep from 10:30-1 (woken to take take meds and vitals) and again from 1-6. Nothing like a restorative night of sleep to make for a good day. I realized, however, that I need a bit of structure to my days, otherwise I hop from activity to activity and don't feel like I've accomplished anything. So I'll work on a schedule tomorrow;)

My uterus has been a bit irritable this evening and my nurse checked with the perinatologist on call, who prescribed some oral terbutaline. It's a low dose, so hopefully I'll avoid the heart palpitations it is known to cause. And I just moved my monitor away from Buggy, and things seem to have calmed down. I think he was exploring the region a little too heartily and the monitor was picking it up as uterine movement.

Thank you for your calls, emails, texts, comments, support. It's so helpful and I'm deeply appreciative.

I leave you with a parting shot of my lovely legwear. Come on, you know you're jealous!

The View From Here

Somewhat limited based on my restricted position, but here's what I see for 23.75 hours of each day.

You'll notice books, flowers, liquids, DVDs, magazines, and brownies. A pretty sweet set-up if you ask me!

Bedrest Day 1

Today we learned that I will be on bedrest for the rest of this pregnancy, which will hopefully be about four months. Whether this will be here or at home is yet to be determined. My cervix is incompetent and my uterus is irritable. I love the words they use to describe my body, they sound so much more insulting than male terminology like "erectile dysfunction", but I digress.

Uterine irritability means the uterus has a constant low level twitching, not rhythmic contractions, but constant movement. Incompetent cervix means that my cervix is not holding long and strong like it should be at 22 weeks, and is shortening, softening, and funneling, which shouldn't happen this early.

Bedrest is fine. Honestly, it's no big deal and if it will result in a healthy Buggy at home in January, then so be it. With Cayden, everyone assumed that my polyhydramnios was the reason for my preterm labor, but it seems that maybe I'm prone to it no matter what. I've already been told that I will have a cerclage placed at 13 weeks the next time around.

Here's what's slightly annoying about bedrest:

1. The compression boots I wear 24/7 to prevent deep vein thrombosis. Haven't figured out how to sleep with them, and unplugging them each time I go to the bathroom isn't exactly fun.

2. The volume on the TV is on the remote, not from the TV. It's weird.

3. Heartburn. Being constantly reclined means lots of heartburn. Yuck.

4. Muscle atrophy. I already feel weak and am not quite sure how I will hold a baby come January!

Here's what's great:

1. The food. CPMC has a restaurant-style menu ordering system with food that is actually yummy. I'm lucky for this, I know. Tonight I had tofu and vegetable stir-fry with jasmine rice and german chocolate cake.

2. The nurses. They rock. Especially our NICU nurse Erin who came to visit last night before her shift. She's helping us plot a way to smuggle Scout in:) And she and Thanh might bust me out if I get wheelchair privleges at some point!

3. The doctors. They also rock.

4. The fact that I have a private room.

5. Visitors and phone calls, emails and texts.

6. Scott. He brings me whatever I request. And tonight he will help me take a 5 minute bench shower. If washing your wife's greasy hair isn't true love, then I don't know what is.

So that's the update for today. Trying to stay positive and calm. I'm so grateful that they caught this in time!

Get a room!

Last night, Scott and I took a little trip to OB triage for some lower back cramping. We joked with the nurse that since we were coming back today for a fetal echo, that we should just get a room and sleep over. Oh, had we only known!

Here I am in room 123, my home for at least the next two weeks while I'm bedrested here in the hospital. While Buggy looked great today, my cervix did not. And my uterus is being irritable. The irony of a seemingly healthy baby with an uncooperative body is almost too much to digest. But Buggy seems unaffected by it all and that's what matters. Hopefully he'll keep on baking for many weeks!

This thing you call god

I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with god, or the idea of a god, has been pretty shaky since Cayden was born and died. But this morning's devastating news has pretty much solidified my feelings. Don't get me wrong, I was never the type to believe that god meddled in individual lives, never really prayed for specific things for me, but at one point I had some sense that there was a larger picture and perhaps this thing called god was in control. I've never done well with comments like, "God chose you to be Cayden's parents" or "God meant for this to happen" or "God has a plan for you". They're not comforting to me and they just don't jive with my experience.


What the hell am I talking about? I'm talking about this. Mirne and Craig just lost their third beautiful baby, Jet. Don't tell me there's a god, don't tell me this was meant to be. I am heartbroken for these wonderful people who are living in a hell I cannot fathom. I am crying for them and for Freyja, Kees, and Jet.


Please don't comment here. Instead, I wish you'd visit Mirne and Craig and tell them how sorry you are that they've lost three babies, how you wish this nightmare was just that. And I'm comfortable that others have different views of god, but I'm in no mood to hear them today.