With Sev sleeping soundly in my lap and "You Are My Sunshine" playing, I'm unsurprised by the juxtaposition of joy and sorrow I feel today. I sing along to the lyrics we all remember:
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away."
Except for the 'only' part, these words describe perfectly the sheer happiness that Sev brings to each and every day. But there are lyrics to the song that I didn't realize, that capture the sorrow I feel as I remember Sev's sweet big brother as he lay in our arms taking his last breaths one year ago today, and the still gaping hole in my heart that aches when I think of our baby Cayden.
"The other night dear as I was sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke dear I was mistaken
And I hung my head and I cried."
It feels impossible to manage the absolute ecstasy of seeing Sev in front of me, living and breathing and at home with us, along with the crushing pain of wearing a few of his brother's ashes in a teardrop necklace around my neck. So I smile at my living son while the tears flow freely for his dead brother and I feel like the happiest sad mama in the world.
support group
10 years ago
22 comments:
tears are flowing for sweet cayden
tears of sorrow and tears of joy
sending you so much love
xoxo
tears for little precious cayden flow with you. Thinking of you dear paige and scott. lots of love
I sing that song too. xo
Been thinking of your sweet Cayden, you and Scott so much today. Much love to all of you. xoxo
That song always makes me cry. Remembering Cayden with you. XO
thinking of sweet big brother cayden and sending lots of love your way.
I'm right there with you today Paige. Missing Leah with every breath, but cherishing every movement her little sister makes inside of me.
xoxo
Thinking of you, sweet Paige. And your boys. I have tears in my eyes thinking of that song. I can barely bare to hear it anymore, and yet sometimes I find myself singing it. I sang a version I made up to Tikva during her last days. It always brings me right back to that last time I held her. Somehow it's comforting that I am not alone in that feeling, though I'm sorry that I'm not. Love you.
Thinking lots of Cayden, Sev and you and Scott during this bittersweet time. It's impossible to imagine how hard it must be to welcome your new bundle of joy while you remember Cayden on his first birthday and the first anniversary of his passing. Sending lots of love!
Paige,
When I think of moments like this, I understand why God gave us both tears of joy and sadness. Even 11 years later I still find myself crying both kinds of tears at the same time. Sev is here alive and healthy, but will never replace Cayden's place in your heart. You are the mommy of two beautiful sons. What a beautiful idea of the necklace. I have a necklace with a rose inside of a teardrop, representing the beautiful flower of my baby nestled in a teardrop. I actually put it on the other day, some days I miss him more than others, having the necklace is comforting.
Lots of Love,
Karen
:) You are beautiful Paige. I know your boys love you more than anything in the world x
Your bittersweet feeling are very normal for what u n Scott hv gone thru!!!!! Love Sev w/ all ur heart(as I know u do!), and remember what a special boy Cayden was, and the angel he is now!!!!! He is locked away in a special part of ur heart and will remain safely there forever!!!!!
I'm thinking of your family in a still,quiet moment just for you.
Paige & Scott we have been thinking of an remembering dear Cayden. His little brother is lucky to have such an amazing guardian angel above. love, Ani
Hi my darling, I am thinking of you during this bittersweet time and so happy that you are able to express both your joy and sarrow. You continously amaze me. Love you lots. You, Scott, Cayden, Sev, and of course Scooby are always in my thoughts. Can't wait to cuddle with Sev and Scooby during my next trip to SF. Can Scooby come to to our 10 year reunion?
We've been thinking about you guys lots. xxxx
oh, paige. Although I can never understand what you go through each and every day, I thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so beautifully. Remebering, honoring, and loving Cayden at this time. Sending your whole family love and kisses from afar.
Paige, wish I could hug you (and sweet baby Sev!) for real. But this virtual one coming from MN will have to do. What you said is so utterly, heartbreakingly beautiful. Lots of love to you all.
it was spectacular to meet you, aliza and little sev. he is pure joy yet i do get the sorrow as well. he is a reminder of your little one not here, and yet he is so alive and perfect in your arms.
i have a wonderful pic of all of us that i will post up soon.
sending to tons of love my dear friend. xo
Thinking about you and remembering Cayden with you.
Thinking of all of you with love. Big brother Cayd, you are so special and SO loved.
I can only imagine what that feels like. This post really hit me, I sing that song to Peyton at her grave all the time. I used to sing it when she was in my arms. So much sorrow in such a beautiful song. Your children are beautiful. I am so sorry Cayden is not here with you.
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