I had my first return trip to the hospital today for my weekly non-stress test. Buggy cooperated and was pretty reactive and my amniotic fluid looks good. It was nice to hear his heart beating, though he's so active these days that I get reassurance with every jab.
Today is 29 weeks. I'm both shocked by how far I've made it and terrified with how many weeks I have to go, knowing all that could go wrong. See, once you've had a baby whose died, your world opens up to all of the many ways babies can and do die. Cord accidents, infections, genetic diseases, placental abruptions, and that's only before they're born. Then there's SIDS, more infections, cancer, freak accidents. I know it's a mother's job to worry about her child, but sometimes the worry seems unbearable. I wonder, if this baby ends up coming home healthy and alive, how I'll ever be able to simply enjoy him. This a rhetorical statement, I'm not fishing for tips on how to relax and enjoy having a baby at home. Right now that time seems impossibly far away, though it's possibly only 5-6 weeks, though we're hoping for longer. I'd just like to curl up into my own dark cocoon and hibernate until he arrives.
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19 comments:
so glad the tests went well today. consider me part of the cocoon that's working to keep you and buggy safe, warm, and happy for the next 11 weeks. lots of love.
Wonderful news Paige! I can't believe your ticker is in the 70's now! Much love!
Shawn
very glad to hear that things are looking good! go ahead and spin that cocoon if you need to - you deserve all the feelings of safety and comfort you can get. totally hear you on the endless worries that loss mamas face - innocence lost. :( i feel totally sure that you and little buggy will enjoy eachother LOTS once you are face to face. xoxo
Yay for another week of good reports! Just think, once he arrives there will be so many things you will be showing your baby boy. He will learn all about life, about love, and about family from you guys. Bless you~
With you in the worry, but also with you in the growing excitement.
Love you heaps, Paige.
xo
yeah for good test and a bouncing buggy! every day is 1 more day closer and less time in the NICU. Here's to keeping buggy in your belly safe and sound for 11 more weeks. Love you lots
Paige,
I would not tell you to relax, because I know that it is not possible. After I lost my son, I never believed that I would have a healthy baby until the day arrived. Right now, don't think too far ahead, just take one day at a time and accept each celebration of a passed test,and a jab from Buggy as it comes. Spin your cocoon if you need to, but remember that we are all her on the outside, with our open arms holding support and love.
Hang in there,
Karen
Wishing to hibernate with you Paige - I think that everyday.
I will not tell you to relax because no one wants to hear that and also, I haven't walked in your shoes and I just can't even imagine how hard it is. All I know is you are the most loving, protective, great momma Cayden and Buggy could have and that means you will figure it all out in your own way and your own time. Lots of love - E
Just hugs from Minnesota today. I'm so thrilled you've made 29 weeks and that Buggy is doing well!
I am coming in the cocoon with you.
I wish I could say something to reassure you, but I know there isn't anything that anyone could say to magically erase all your worry or to erase the reasons for all your worry. I just want you to know that I am ever hopeful for you to have a safe delivery and a healthy baby that you can bring home with you. I am also hopeful that you find a way to simply enjoy a happy baby at home.
Sending lots of love,
Glad the tests look good and especially the signals you're getting from buggy. Trust what he's telling you - each kick, punch, or spin is the little guy doing his best to reassure his mommy!
Sending lots of support - consider us extra insulation in the cocoon.
Love,
Jackie
Sounds like he is going to be an athlete and take after his uncle (probably working on his slap shot), because we know that Giant's fan in your house isn't giving it to him,...ouch!
Stay positive and you are in a cacoon, surrounded by loving family and friends to help you through all the bumps in the road.
Love You Uncle Ted!
So happy to read things are going well... and yay for 29 weeks!
I totally agree with what you said about once you've had a baby die everything that could go wrong is on your mind. **sigh** It's hard.
Hoping for at least another 5-6 weeks for you, if not a couple more.
Happy you've had a good day of results. I wish we could fast-forward through the remaining weeks for you. Sending you peaceful thoughts and (((hugs))) from BC.
Oh Paige...I remember all those feelings with each pregnancy even not having gone through what you have been through. It is sooo tough. I have just started being able to go to sleep without checking to make sure they are all sleeping and still breathing in their own beds. Partially because Mira is 11 and stays up later than me sometimes now! I have thought of you often and how tough it must be knowing all that can happen. When Mira first got her food allergies I would watch her sleep and cry. Why can't I just take her to DQ or a bakery. Then add the other allergies and yet that seems so minor compared to you and Michelle. I guess there are always challenges...may we all find the strength to get through them! Love you so much my almost little sister! Oh yeah I forgot to mention how different Dan and I deal with these things but I bet you have experienced all that as have Michelle and Pete. xoxoxo Laura
wow 29 weeks! hoping those next ones go by fast and easy and you are able to relax a bit in your cocoon. i promise to bring hot chocolate and curl up with you.
xoxo
I'm so glad you keep getting good news from tests and an active baby. I can't even imagine how difficult it is to stay positive and hope for the best, but I hope you can find comfort and pride of how far you've already gotten. Who would have thought 6 weeks ago that you'd be home now with Buggy still growing inside you?!?! Because of your patience and determination the odds have already turned so much in his favor and every day it gets better. I know I'm one of many watching from the outside in awe - and hoping beyond hope that in 11 weeks you bring home Cayden's little bro!
Love you!
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