38 Weeks and Sunflower's Arrival

The first and most exciting news is that Sarah and David welcomed Ezra's little brother, Micah Amir, early this morning. Knowing another rainbow baby has made it safely into the world is a wonderful feeling and my heart is simply leaping for Micah's mama and daddy.

My 38 week OB appointment today was entirely uneventful. No change at all from last week and Dr. M. said she'd be surprised if Buggy comes before his scheduled c-section date. Apparently all that bedrest really scared my cervix into behaving and while 80% effaced, it's still very posterior and not dilated one little, teensy bit.

Any hint of disappointment that things aren't progressing quickly faded as I realized that this scenario is truly amazing. A chunky and full-term Buggy is all we ever hoped for and it seems it's what we might get. Now to think of ways to fill the next 12 days...

Almost 37 Weeks

No big changes to report. According to Dr. A.'s exam today I am now 80% effaced but not dilated yet. It makes it clear that bedrest for the last three months was necessary, as going from 50% to 80% in a matter of 5 days is a decent change in the length of my cervix.

So we're waiting, walking, bouncing on a birth ball, drinking tea, eating spicy food and pineapple, telling Buggy he can come whenever he wants, but also understanding that when the time is right, it's right, and there's not too much we can do to change that. The silver lining of it all, besides having gotten this far, is that even if we end up with our scheduled c-section on January 12, it will be performed by my amazing OB Dr. M. and by Dr. A. As much as I'd like Buggy to come sooner than that, there's also something pretty special about these two incredible doctors helping Buggy be born.

Thank you all so much for your support and for checking in. It means the world to us!

Quick 36 week update

50% effaced and soft, -2 station, not dilated. Any and all tips on how to get things going would be much appreciated, Scott wants the 2009 deduction;)

A 36 Week Gift

What's a million times better than being let off bedrest today? Ocea Marie Dudley's safe arrival into her mom, Carly, and Dad, Sam's, arms. Welcome to the world beautiful baby. We are so happy you are here!

A Ray of Sun, Bronx Style

Despite being a dreary, rainy, and cold San Francisco day, my heart was just warmed considerably.

Right after college, I taught for two years in the South Bronx. My first year, I had an incredible student named Mervin who was bright, polite, and everything you could want as a first year teacher. He left after second grade for a gifted school that I worked with his parents to get him into, and I've often wondered about how he's fared.

The other day, I decided to google Mervin's name, to see if anything would come of it, and I found a facebook page that I was pretty sure was his. I sent him a message, telling him that I'd thought of him often over the past 9 years and that I hoped he was doing well. Today he wrote me back. Turns out the facebook page is his dad's, but Mervin Jr. responded to my message. To know that he is alive and well, not a given when you grow up where lives, made my day!

(Mervin is the little guy on the left, sitting on his knees, half cut-off.)

Steaming Mad

(Warning: long rant below)

I used to love getting mail. Ask Scott, he'll tell you that since I've been on bedrest, one of the highlights of my day is when he walks in...with the mail. Junk, catalogues, dentist reminder cards, I love it all. After Cayden died, and so many amazing friends and family made donations to the hospital in his memory, we received acknowledgement cards from CPMC, cards that both reinforced the fact that our baby was gone while simultaneously warming our hearts with the knowledge that he touched so many during his short life.

But really, over the past two weeks, I've started to dread getting the mail. Why? I'm trying to be calm and zen as this pregnancy winds down, but that is very difficult to do on days when we receive bills for care that I received on January 14, January 16, and for various tests that Cayden received. Today marked the sixth bill received in two weeks. Among many questions I have, why the hell are we receiving this bills almost a full year later?!

Two weeks ago, we received a $999 bill for "services" rendered January 14, 2009. Interesting to call the crap medical care I received "services" since it was more of a disservice. To quickly recap: I went to L&D that night and it was discovered that I was contracting every 5 minutes. Cayden's heartrate was completely unreactive, which no one picked up on. The midwife did an internal exam and then realized she couldn't do a fetal fibronectin after an internal exam, as the results would be tainted. So she sent me home and told me to return for a fetal fibronectin on Friday morning, January 16, which would become Cayden's birthday. I'm still shocked to think that she sent me home at 31 weeks 6 days contracting every 5 minutes without any discussion of steroid shots for baby's lungs, or of medication to stop the preterm labor. I know that Cayden had a lethal condition, and good care wouldn't have changed anything, but what about a woman carrying a healthy baby? A healthy yet unreactive and distressed baby whose mother was in preterm labor? I shudder to think of that outcome.

Insurance says they paid the contractually allowed amount and that the hospital should not come to me to recoup the difference. Hospital tells me to disregard the bill. One week later, I receive another bill from the hospital for the $999 plus the insurance company's share. Hospital says insurance requested a refund. Insurance company says they didn't. And scene.

Luckily, my dad has taken over this battle, as it's simply too much for me to handle at this point.

Then last week we get a bill for $2, 435 for an MRI for "Boy Pai Baby Hirsch" on January 23. On said bill it states, "Your insurance has denied payment. The cannot identify you as a member. Pleas remit payment in full. Thank you." The typos are intentional, that's what it says. For whatever reason, they didn't use Cayden's name. Insurance says they have no record of receiving any claim. Imaging center says they sent it but will resend. Then yesterday I got another bill from the same center for $930 for additional tests. I'm about to send it back with a note to BILL MY FREAKING INSURANCE COMPANY!

As an aside, I sent a request for my medical records to St. Luke's last week, as furiously pondering the horrendous care I received made me wonder what my records reflect. I requested ANY and ALL records. St. Luke's just called and this was the conversation:

Woman: Um, we receieved your request. Did you sign a release?

Me: Well, wouldn't it be in my file if I did? I mean, we're talking a year and half ago, I don't really remember.

Woman: What do you want?

Me: In terms of...?

Woman: Your records.

Me: So I take it you found a release form? Like I specified in the letter, I'd like all of my records.

Woman: Okay, bye.

Talk about rubbing salt in gaping wounds, there's just something so unfair about having to make calls, explain your story, just dealing with this reality in the aftermath of losing a child. I'm thinking of supergluing shut our mailbox. Surely that would help, wouldn't it?

34 weeks...still on the couch

Today was our big, important 34 week ultrasound. The one that would determine whether or not I'd be released from bedrest. Though Buggy looks great, weighing in at 5 pounds 3 ounces, my cervix is still pretty short and Dr. A. wants two more weeks of bedrest. Buggy is at minus 2 station and is already engaged, so the risks of going into labor in the next two weeks aren't worth it. Though I had grand visions of taking Scout for walks, gaining back some strength, and finally enjoying a bit more freedom, two more weeks on the couch is a small price to pay for a big, healthy baby.

In 2 weeks, at 36 weeks, Dr. A. actually hopes I will go into labor and that Buggy will be able to come early as a VBAC. Though there is a risk of uterine rupture, it would be much better for Buggy's lungs if he were to squeeze his way out through the birth canal, rather than popping out through my belly, and will also decrease the future risk of placenta accreta. Part of this decision means that I will not get an epidural until very late, if at all. This is because the primary symptom of uterine rupture is a sharp, searing pain and having any pain relief would render me unable to feel the potential pain. So in Dr. A.'s words, "We might be a little mean to you." Since I had planned on an unmedicated hypnobirth with Cayden, this isn't outside of the realm of possibilities I'd considered, and I'm fine with the decision.

Dr. A. said today that even if she were a millionaire, she'd still do what she does because of patients like us, and that she can't wait to see and hold this baby, that she feels like he's partially hers. How can I possibly complain about anything when we are being cared for so lovingly by such amazing doctors? We are very lucky, in so many ways.

Voices

This post has been percolating in my head over the past week or so, but I haven't had the energy to try and extract it from my mind and put into this space. I do apologize, though, if my silence caused any worry. I'm fine, in most senses of the word.

I've been thinking a lot about voices lately. A few weeks ago I was lucky enough to be able to tune into a radio show featuring my dear friend Carly, and just this past week I was able to voice chat/video chat with Sally and Sarah. Hearing the voices of these mamas who are in such similarly scary situations as I find myself right now was soothing and reassuring in a way I couldn't have imagined. This blog world is amazing, it has been an absolute lifeline for me. But hearing the voices of friends around the world, that was pretty magical.

Loss is hard. Pregnancy is supposed to be carefree and blissful. Pregnancy after loss is, well, I can't really find the words. I am so grateful to be here. I wish all babyloss mamas who want to be, could be easily pregnant again. But it is draining. As I approach the end of this pregnancy, I'm battling several voices in my head on a daily, if not hourly, basis.

There is the voice that constantly warns me to keep my expectations low. It tells me that babies die, even seemingly healthy babies, and that I shouldn't expect to actually take a baby home this time. It tells me I'm foolish for ordering a carseat and buying Mrs. Meyer's baby laundry detergent.

There is also the voice that tells me to wash the onesies and swaddling blankets, choose a pediatrician, and be somewhat prepared for Buggy's arrival. It tells me that Buggy could come tomorrow and will most likely be healthy and will need the basics.

Think of these voices like little people perched on either shoulder, battling each other for my attention. I try to ignore voice one and focus more on voice two, but most of the time I simply plug my ears and yell, "la la la la" until something distracts me completely.

Tomorrow I will be 31 weeks 6 days, the exact gestational age when Cayden was born. Beyond that lay unchartered waters. I've never been 32, 33, 34 weeks pregnant. I have no idea what to expect. We don't know how this pregnancy will end and the assumption that it will end well bothers me. Of course it's what we hope for, but it's not a given. So I think I'll keep my ears plugged, burrow under the covers, and hope that the next few weeks fly by quickly and quietly.

A Busy Day

Today we shuttled from one floor of the hospital to another for our weekly non-stress test, a fetal fibronectin test and appointment with our MFM Dr. A., and an ultrasound. Buggy was very cooperative and nicely reactive during the NST, though rather sleepy during the ultrasound. He's a big boy, with a big head, weighing in at approximately 3 pounds 10 ounces, bigger than Cayden was when he was born at 32 weeks! My cervix looked the best it has in a while, enough so that the perinatologist we saw would be comfortable with slightly increased activity. But we're still waiting on the fetal fibronectin results and Dr. A.'s orders regarding the activity-she's the boss and we'll do whatever she says. And now I'm completely exhausted. The nurse we saw today said that a person on bedrest loses 3% of their muscle mass for each day of bedrest. So, with almost 2 months on bedrest, I'm feeling it!

Nine months gone

You are missed, baby boy.

29 weeks

I had my first return trip to the hospital today for my weekly non-stress test. Buggy cooperated and was pretty reactive and my amniotic fluid looks good. It was nice to hear his heart beating, though he's so active these days that I get reassurance with every jab.

Today is 29 weeks. I'm both shocked by how far I've made it and terrified with how many weeks I have to go, knowing all that could go wrong. See, once you've had a baby whose died, your world opens up to all of the many ways babies can and do die. Cord accidents, infections, genetic diseases, placental abruptions, and that's only before they're born. Then there's SIDS, more infections, cancer, freak accidents. I know it's a mother's job to worry about her child, but sometimes the worry seems unbearable. I wonder, if this baby ends up coming home healthy and alive, how I'll ever be able to simply enjoy him. This a rhetorical statement, I'm not fishing for tips on how to relax and enjoy having a baby at home. Right now that time seems impossibly far away, though it's possibly only 5-6 weeks, though we're hoping for longer. I'd just like to curl up into my own dark cocoon and hibernate until he arrives.

To Leap

A friend sent me a piece from last Sunday's New York Times written by Ann Hood. I read Hood's memoir "Comfort" this past June. Inhaled it, actually, while sitting on a bench in Central Park, tears streaming down my cheeks. If you haven't read it, and have experienced the loss of a child, I highly recommend it.

She ends her NYT piece with the below words, which simply took my breath away.

"What I do know is this: there is no safe route through parenthood, or through life. When we offer our heart to others, we do not know what will happen to it. It may break. It may grow. It may take us places we never imagined. But isn’t that the risk of love? To be willing to stand on the stern on a beautiful summer day and, not knowing the outcome, to leap?"

The Winning Weight

I am beyond thrilled to let you know that Buggy weighed in at a jumbo weight of 2 pounds 12 ounces and that the lovely Jenni guessed correctly. Still working on creating a bedrest-friendly prize, though I have some ideas. Thank you all for playing and nice work Jenni!

I'm outta here!

With a steady cervix at 2.4 and a Buggy weighing in at-- (no, I'll stay true to my word and wait until tomorrow to reveal his weight), I'm heading home to continue bedrest from the comfort of my couch and bed. Thank you all for the incredible support during my 38 days in the hospital, couldn't have made it without you!

Here's how I'll be spending the next 3 months:

It's Cayden in my belly in the above photo, his little brother is below.

Guess Buggy's Weight!

Hopefully tonight is my last night in the hospital until I deliver this baby boy. Cross your fingers, toes, legs, and arms that tomorrow's 1 pm ultrasound shows a long cervix and that my fetal fibronectin is negative. Those are my exit tickets!

Now for some fun...

Rather than guessing my weight, I think it'll be more fun (and definitely less humiliating) for you to guess Buggy's weight. Here are some clues that may be helpful:

? On 9/21, Buggy's weight was estimated at 1 pound 8 ounces (23 weeks 4 days)

? On 9/28, Buggy's weight was estimated at 1 pound 10 ounces (24 weeks 4 days)

? Tomorrow I will be 27 weeks 6 days

? Here is a fetal length/weight chart

To give everyone a fair chance, since some of you sleep while I am awake, I won't post the answer until Thursday morning. Good luck!

Bedrest Day 33-35 (Friday-Sunday)

I have a good excuse for not blogging-mom is visiting! As you can see from the below picture, this visit includes lots of pampering like Starbucks in the morning, take-out lunch, home-cooked dinner, and an in-bed pedicure! Doesn't get much better than that!

I've also been able to spend lots of time with Scout lately, as Scott has become quite the pro at sneaking her in. Though she's always beeen a daddy's girl, my time away has increased her attachment to Scott, so it's been great to see her and let her know I haven't completely abandoned her. I've had several fun visits recently, too, which has been entertaining, especially when they involve toddler boys!

Today marks 5 weeks in the hospital. Luckily, it doesn't feel that long but I am defnitely ready to get out of here if Wednesday's tests indicate that it is safe to continue bedrest at home. Reaching 28 weeks is hugely reassuring, though we just scheduled my c-section date in January, and I'm fully hoping to get to, or at least very close to, that date.

PS-There will be a contest on Wednesday: Guess Buggy's Weight! Stay tuned for details...

i remember

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On October 15, across the globe, loved ones will light a candle at 7:00 pm in memory of babies who have died.

If you can, please light a candle for the babies when it is 7:00 pm in your part of the world. Remember our babies, say their names. These little ones are forever part of our families, our lives and while we remember them every day, we especially remember them today.

I'm holding Cayden, and all the babies gone too soon, so tightly in my heart today. Wherever they are, I hope they're together.

Bedrest Day 30 (Tuesday) and Test 4

Look who came for dinner!

I had a fetal fibronetin today-negative. So if it holds true, that will bring us to almost 29 weeks. A big ultrasound is scheduled for next Wednesday, which may give us some idea if I'll stay in the hospital or head home.

I want to really thank all of you so much for your incredible support. It has been so amazing to be able to literally feel the support and love in this room, coming from all of you, and it has absolutely helped make this very, very bearable. You are a special bunch of friends and family, as Scott frequently remarks and I, of course, am in complete agreement:)

A winner!

Okay folks, you ready?

157

And the winner is Karen! But sadly, Karen, I think the monitor piece I wear probably only accounts for maybe 1 pound of my poundage.

Really, I'm not bothered by this. The majority seems to be going straight to my belly, and hopefully either my placenta or Buggy, both good scenarios. Thanks for playing!

A game?

Okay, let's play a little game, shall we? It's gloomy here (outside), and it'd be nice to have something to brighten things up, so let's play "Guess Paige's Weight".

Every Monday, a huge rolling scale is brought into my room and my weight is checked. I wear my clothes and slippers and keep my TOCO monitor on.

By way of background:

-Before I got pregnant with Buggy, I weighed 124 pounds. I am 5'8.

-My total weight gain with Cayden was 20 pounds, though he was born at 32 weeks.

-I continue to eat grilled cheese for lunch nearly every day, along with a salad. And a more than occasional slice of chocolate cake.

-I make approximately 6-8 trips to the bathroom each day. Otherwise, I am in bed. (I give you this stat for you to consider calories burned, not because I think you care how often I go to the bathroom!)

So, dear friends, enter your guesses as to this week's weight in your comment and whomever gets closest (to the pound) will...will...well, I can't exactly run to the shops or the post office to buy and mail you something, but at least you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you won. Also, I promise, I won't be offended by your guesses:) And Sarah, Sally, and Carly-you can't play because you already know the answer!

Update: People, please consider the fact that I've been flat on my side in bed for 4 weeks now, but eating like a normal pregnant woman. Andria and Melis, you're too, too kind. But not even close;)

Bedrest Day 28 (Sunday)

Today was a wonderful day! Though I was woken up super early for vitals and monitoring, it was nice to get the day going. A Vikings win, great visits with two thoughtful J.s, a nap with Scott, and Thursday's episode of The Office all put me in a great mood. Here are some photos of Jess with her basket of goodies and putting up some new wall decorations, courtesy of mom. I'm wiped from my day o'fun, so I'm off to sleep!

Bedrest Day 26&27 (Friday/Saturday)

A collection of random thoughts:

1. A tired husband will fall asleep even on the most uncomfortable of hospital cots.

2. My brain may be atrophying faster than my muscles, despite the fact that I'm still doing some work and reading and playing sudoku. Yikes.

3. The ceiling of the stairwell in the house we lived in our senior year of college was painted like a blue sky with fluffy white clouds. That could be a good idea for the ceilings of hospital rooms, if done right. Especially for bedrested mamas who don't get to spend a lot of time outdoors. Or those who live in San Francisco where the fog is so dense you can't see your hand in front of your face even if you get to go outdoors.

4. Buggy must be having a growth spurt, based on both my incredible hunger and hormonal surge that last night resulted in a dream from which I awoke and found myself sobbing and crying actual tears.

5. My favorite nurse offered to take my laundry home and do it herself so as not to overwhelm Scott. The nurses here at CPMC are, for sure, the best in the world.

6. You know the city you live in is too expensive when your nurse tells she works as both a deputy attorney general and a labor and delivery nurse.

7. A Friday night homemade dinner, delivered and enjoyed with friends, is a great way to end the week. Thanks A&F!

8. There were more, but I can't remember. See #2.

Bedrest Day 24&25 (Wednesday/Thursday)

Another few uneventful days. I recently read that every day I remain pregnant means two fewer days Buggy will spend in the NICU. For anyone who has been a NICU parent, that's great motivation to be a compliant bedrested mama!

Today I had a fantastic visit with Aliza. Thanks to Aliza, I'm sleeping in comfort with a new mattress pad! And smelling particularly good thanks to her care package. Tonight I had a surprise furry visitor, since she'll be having a sleepover this weekend with M&M. It was so great to see her and get some cuddles.

In other news, I was granted patio wheelchair privileges today! Sitting up is a huge treat, so you can bet I'll be spending lots of time on the patio, since it means I can be vertical.

I can't believe Monday will be a month since I settled into Room 123. Time is going surprisingly fast, and I'm grateful for all my cheerleaders (that means you!), the incredible nurses and doctors, and the fact that Buggy seems quite content to stay safe and cozy inside his mama.

Sukkot!

Right now it's Sukkot, the Jewish festival holiday when Jews traditionally visited the Temple in Jerusalem. Sukkot is the plural of the Hebrew word sukkah, meaning booth or hut. The sukkah represents the temporary dwellings in which the ancient Israelites dwelt during their 40 years of wandering in the desert after the Exodus from Egypt. Many Jews will build a sukkah in their backyards during Sukkot and spend time and eating meals there. It's decorated with leafy branches across the open roof, on which you hang fruit. Inside, there is typically a table with a lulav (bundle of specific branches) and an etrog (a yellow citron). Clearly building a sukkah is not an option for us, since we a) live in an urban condo with no backyard, and b) I currently live in a hospital room.

So, imagine my surprise when I found myself the lucky recipient of a sukkah in the mail! My incredible friend Jenny created a complete mini-Sukkah for my room! It has leafy branches, fruit hanging from the branches, and a table set with a lulav, etrog, candles, and challah. I spent this morning assembling it and it now resides on a chair at the foot of my bed. It's really amazing and was such a labor of love with all the fine details. Thank you Jenny, I love it!

PS-The pictures DO NOT do it justice.

Bedrest Day 22&23 (Monday/Tuesday)

Sorry for my lax blogging, but always assume that an absence of entries is because things are nice and boring. I don't mean to make anyone worry, and rest assured that if things start going crazy, I'll blog about it!

I had a surprise ultrasound Tuesday. I say surprise because I thought we were skipping it this week, but apparently not. My cervix is stable at 2.2-2.4. This is a horrible measurement overall, but great considering it could be getting shorter. So we continue to take one day at a time. Buggy looked good on ultrasound and was smacking his lips. Not so cooperative for photos, though.

I'd be lying if I said this experience wasn't a bit like 'Groundhog's Day' in that most every day feels exactly the same. It's been gorgeous here lately so I have been able to spend time on the patio reading, which definitely helps pass the time. We're getting close to 28, which feels huge and important, though we clearly want Buggy to continue baking until 2010.

Bedrest Day 21: Chartreuse Sunday

25 weeks 3 days

Bedrest Day 19&20 (Friday/Saturday)

Not much new to report, just how we like it. Friday night was pizza and salad dinner with Jess, who added some nice buggy art to my room. Can you see it? Saturday was Scout day and we had a great time on the patio, enjoying some beautiful sun together.

Buggy has been extremely active the last two nights and I'm convinced he knows it's the weekend!

Bedrest Day 17&18 (Wednesday/Thursday)

Sorry for the combo update again. Wednesday was a typical day with a few fun surprises from friends and family-some books I can't wait to devour, a beautiful Jizo painting, and a Keurig single cup coffee maker. Gone are the days of hospital coffee-flavored water! Starting my day with a good cup of coffee makes a big difference.

Today I made it outside for the first time since last Saturday, as the weather was especially cooperative. It was sunny and warm and I basked with a book, visited with a friend, and soaked up some fresh air. Here's Buggy in the belly at 25 weeks. Speaking of 25 weeks, everyone is thrilled that I've made it to 25 and 28 is looking very possible. No talk of going home, yet, but I'm fine with that.

Code Silver

UPDATE: Code Silver resolved. And it was at the building across the street. Phew!

For the third time in a few minutes, the following message has gone off:

"Code Silver, 3838 Fourth Floor"

I figure I should know my code lingo, since I'll be here for a while, so I googled "code silver" and this is what I found:

Combative person with a Lethal Weapon

I'm hoping the "3838" refers to the 3838 California Street building, and not this one. Yikes!

Bedrest Days 15&16 (Monday/Tuesday)

Forgive me for the lack of an update yesterday, it was quite "busy" around here. The day started bright and early with the fetal fibronectin test, which was negative and means there is only a 3-5% chance of going into labor in the next two weeks. This was incredibly reassuring. Next up was a trip to the 4th floor for an ultrasound that also brought good news and the great picture of Buggy you see here.

After lunch, physical therapy came with a regimen to help decrease the muscle atrophy I've been feeling as a result of two weeks flat on my side. I'm grateful to have some concrete steps to take to hopefully prevent my body from becoming complete mush.

Today everyone was still riding the high of yesterday's good news. Buggy, now being nearly 25 weeks, has earned himself a half hour of fetal monitoring per shift. It's fun to be able to listen to his heart and hear and feel his movements simultaneously. He's showing great heart rate variability for a baby of his age, which indicates that his neurologic function is good at this point.

I had two special visitors today. C. came this afternoon and having been a part of our journey after losing Cayden, it was great to connect with her. A. visited this afternoon and brought a special surprise that I'm still figuring out how to display on the blog. Stay tuned... I also received some beautiful baby roses whose fragrance is amazing! By the way, I'm not being intentionally cryptic by using initials-just figure maybe it makes sense to respect others' privacy. If you'd rather me call you by your name, let me know. Jess is too well known to simply be J. anymore, though. Sorry Jess!

Random thoughts:

*Today marks 16 days in the hospital, 16 days having not used a blowdryer, and you would not believe the amount of hair one loses! I guess normally I don't notice it because I'm out and about, but when it all collects in my bed, well, it's a bit obscene.

*There will come a time in the very near future when the tiny little hospital towels will not fit around my body. I mean seriously, these are designed for 5 year olds, not pregnant women or anyone who weighs over 30 pounds.

*Every time I wash my hands I smell Cayden. Whether it be the soap in the bathroom or the hand sanitizer...this was our smell for the two weeks he spent in the NICU, constantly scrubbing in. It makes me happy sad each time I smell it.

*I'm reading "Say You're One of Them" and really enjoying it. Yes, I know book titles are supposed to be underlined, not in quotations, but it doesn't seem to be an option on blogger.

Test Three-Pass

Cervix lengthened a bit, which is great news, though it's still funneling. Buggy looked good, though I'd prefer more roundhouse kicks and punches to ease my mind. Fetal fibronectin was negative, too, so we aced today's tests. I celebrated with a grilled cheese for lunch:)

Bedrest Day 13 (Sunday)

Thought not as exciting as Saturday and Scout's visit, Sunday was great too. A Vikings win over the 49ers with seconds to spare brought some cheer, as did coffee, flowers, and a visit from Mr. Leber. A lunch from the "outside" and a home-cooked Jess dinner meant a nice break from hospital food, though I'm not yet complaining, it's really not bad. Monday will bring a repeat fetal fibronectin test and a cervical check ultrasound. Thinking stable thoughts, thinking stable thoughts...

Thank you all for your incredible support. I credit you with the fact that I am very far from going insane, which according to my nurses, is somewhat remarkable at the two week point!

The Best Day (Bedrest Day 12)

One guess why today was the best day yet...Scout came to visit! Not seeing her is, by far, the hardest thing about being in the hospital. We started out the day with a video chat during which Scott practiced putting Scout into a bag. Surprisingly, she didn't mind it at all.

I hopped into the shower and the next thing I knew...

We enjoyed some lunch and watched a movie as a family in bed. The three of us in this bed was, er, interesting.

Scout cozied up to my airboots

And later found her own little spot in the room

We also spent some time outside on the patio. We ended our time together with a video chat with Mimi and Abbey. It was a great day and I can't wait for my next Scout fix!

Silas Orion

Today I am thinking deeply of Silas Orion and of his parents, Lani and Chris. Lani was one of the first babylost mamas I encountered on this journey and she has been and continues to be an incredible support to me. Chris' writings as a babylost dad help me understand a daddy's perspective and I'll be forever grateful to him for sharing his innermost thoughts and feelings about his firstborn son.

In my mind, most babies are pretty, even the scrunched up, old man looking ones. But Silas is truly gorgeous in a way that few babies are. How I wish he were a toddling one year old, celebrating his first birthday and bouncing in his parents' arms. How I wish I'd never had to meet his amazing parents in this way. Chris and Lani, I'm sending you so much love and remembering and loving Silas today each time I look at the bunch of sunflowers on my shelf. They reach with longing for the sun, as I long with you for your baby boy.

24 Weeks and Bedrest Day 10 (Thursday)

Buggy hit 24 weeks today and we celebrated with a painful shot of betamethasone to my bum. It was not fun, but a relief to know that he's getting some help to develop his lungs more quickly, should he come earlier than expected. I'll get a second shot tomorrow, and I'll be sure to ask for ice this time, which apparently they forgot to give me. It won't help with the shakiness, sweating, and nausea, but at least will help with the achy feeling right after.

Today was full of fabtastic surprises. Emails, a fun card, a book bouquet from some former roommates, a lucky bamboo plant from a dear friend, and a package from mom and dad that included a blown up picture of Scout for the bulletin board. Thanks everyone, it's so generous of you and definitely brightens my day when the package mailman knocks on my door:)

So much of the focus for the past 10 days has been on my body and its ability to keep Buggy baking for at least 2 more months, but it's still very real to us that there is no guarantee that Buggy is healthy and that we could still learn he has Pena-Shokeir or a similar disease. This fear has taken a back seat considering the more pressing issues we can actually do something about. But these dual fears have definitely been competing for attention in my dreams, which have not been pleasant for the past two nights. I'm glad my anxiety is being processed when I'm in a less conscious state, but would prefer it go away completely.

10 Day Snapshot:

Number of grilled cheese sandwiches: 8

Number of temperature/blood pressure checks: 42

Number of 'touch downs' to listen to Buggy's heart: 32

Number of times I've been asked "Is that baby still in your belly?" by my favorite twins: 2

Bedrest Day 9 (Wednesday)

Today can be summed up in two words: awesome husband. Why, you ask? Because he surprised me with a massage especially for bedrested mamas. I love this guy!

Hmmm...

I'm not going to take it personally that my grilled cheese did not come with chips today. Dietary services does not read my chart and see my weekly weight gain, do they?

Bedrest Day 8 (Tuesday)

I woke up after having slept for a solid 7 hours and felt good. When I learned Helene was my day nurse, the day got even better! She makes my bed with two jersey sheets rather than the starchy regular ones, which is amazing. Like I said before, it's the little things...

Today I abandoned Water for Elephants. Many people have said they like this book, but I'm not a huge circus fan to begin with and the many scenes with animal violence were too much. So if anyone has a 'must read' to recommend, let me know. Preferably one without excessive death or violence.

I had a good conversation with C., same nurse as last night who was our nurse when Cayden was born. She hadn't heard of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, but told me that there is a loss packet that has a set of instructions that nurses follow when a baby dies. We agreed that this seems like the right place to include information about NILMDTS, so we're going to work to make sure it's part of the protocol. I so treasure our photos of Cayd and simply want other families to have the same opportunity, especially because I know families who have lost babies here at CPMC and weren't told about NILMDTS and wished they had been. It makes me so, so sad.

Bedrest Day 7 (Monday)

One week in the hospital, and it doesn't seem to be dragging! Today I had a great visit with S., who brought fun treats in a striped Ampersand bag, for those of you know what that means:)

My night nurse just walked in and low and behold it's C., the same nurse who was with us when I first arrived at CPMC last January 16, was in the operating room when Cayden was born, and in recovery afterwards. It's nice to be able to see her in a less stressful situation and she was glad to hear that Buggy seems healthy. It's bizarre to think of how we felt that night compared to how we are right now, such a different place, different perspective

I leave you with a parting shot of Buggy's profile, sorry for the poor quality.

Test Two

Ultrasound done. My cervix hasn't lengthened but it hasn't shortened, so it's hard to judge this test as either a pass or fail. Buggy is now measuring 1 lb. 8 oz., a gain of .3 oz. in a week. I'll post a photo of his cute little face a little later. For now I'm going to enjoy the fact that I still have shower privileges and take a hot one!

Bedrest Day 6 (Sunday)

Sunday, fun day! A Vikings win, a nice afternoon patio visit with Scott and two friends, who brought the most amazing chocolate chip cookies and delectable chocolates! I had an evening visit with Jess and watched the Giants pull out a last-minute victory over Dallas.

I've developed a pretty rash on my belly from the constant band that holds on my contraction monitor. Fortunately it doesn't itch too badly, and my nurse said she'd get an order for hydrocortisone from Dr. M.

Buggy continues to be very happy and my contractions are mild to none. Here's hoping for a great cervical ultrasound on Monday!

Update: Ultrasound at 10:00-any and all good vibes/thoughts/prayers appreciated!

Bedrest Day 5 (Saturday)

A lazy Saturday was in order after our night of mediocre sleep, so that's exactly what we did. Scott and I watched a bizarre French movie in bed after he made my day by getting Starbucks. Not having good coffee each day (don't worry, I'm allowed to have it because it's recommended when there's a history of fetal movement disorders) is tough! Scott also brough lunch in from outside, which was a nice change. I had a visitor in the afternoon which definitely helped break up the day.

We had a good conversation with Dr. S., who delivered Cayden; she's not our main MFM but she knows our story. And she's from Edina, so we get to talk Minnesota with her as a bonus. We discussed the survival rates for preemies, 50% at 24 weeks and up to 85% by 28 weeks and the rate of disabiilites associated with these gestational ages. We also talked about my unique case in that I don't feel my contractions. With Cayden, I was contracting every 5 and then eventually every 2 minutes and had no idea. She didn't want to speak for Dr. A., our main doctor, but thought that I would most likely end up doing my bedrest here, even though it'd be primarily for monitoring purposes. It seems like it may be too risky to send me home if I can't pick up on any contractions myself, and at-home uterine monitoring is not something they're huge fans of, as it's not very reliable.

Monday is a cervical ultrasound and we'll hope to see some lengthening given the week of bedrest. I'm counting on it, actually. And then steroid shots will happen at the end of next week. Since it looks like I might be in here for the long haul, I'm soliciting suggestions for how to decorate this room, in addition to the fabulous photos that grace my bulletin board and that help me deal with missing Scout so much.

Bedrest Day 4 (Friday)

Friday was nicely uneventful. I had a pretty bad headache and layed low (ha!) most of the day. Scott surprised me by coming over early and we spent some time on the patio and then ordered dinner. We celebrated Rosh Hashanah by eating a sweet, round molten lava chocolate cake. One of those a week and I'd be a very happy girl. Buggy enjoyed it too, as evidenced by much kicking. We then relived our college years by cramming two bodies into a twin-sized bed for the night. Not the most comfy sleepy arrangement, but cozy.

Test One-Pass!

AFI-amniotic fluid index-was 14.8, which is great. This means that the indocin didn't result in a decrease in Buggy's fluid. Speaking of Buggy, here are a few pictures!

Bedrest Day 3

Didn't sleep as well last night, but am hoping to make up for it tonight. I'm done with my first "machine gun" medication; it's so strong you can only take it for 72 hours and I have to have an ultrasound tomorrow morning called an AFI which checks my amniotic fluid index, as the medication can reduce it. A bit nervous about that, but hoping it goes well and that I've got an appropriate amount of fluid. Buggy seems to be moving fine, so I'm hopeful that's a good sign. Best part is no one will wake me at 1:00 am tonight for my nightly dose!

It's the little things in here that count. A hot shower, fresh sheets, and ice water with lemon (I swear, I'm not in a spa, really) and permission to be on a gurney out on the patio made my day! My day nurse Helene was awesome and was the one to think to ask perinatologist Dr. M. if I could get outside privileges. I layed out for about an hour in the warm sun and read, in a bikini. Just kidding, though I do need to do some online ordering of capri pants to fit over my compression boots, since I've been wearing the purple ones for 3 days now. Helene also brilliantly suggested that I use a strip for my TOCO monitor rather than a big belly band type thing, which makes for a much less itchy and more comfortable me.

Tonight was fabulous. I had a surprise visit from a sweet friend, and a dinner party with two Jumbos, who brought yummy food and many useful gifts to pass the time and make life a little easier. I felt very spoiled and lucky to have such amazing support, both in real life and those I haven't yet met in real life. Thank you.

And if you're keeping track, and I kind of am, just for fun, today was my third day in a row of grilled cheese for lunch!

8 Months Ago

It occurred to me last night as I was trying to fall asleep that exactly 8 months ago on the 16th, in this hopsital, one floor up, I had just given birth to my baby boy. Hard to believe.

Today marks 23 weeks and one more week until viability and betamethasone shots for Buggy's lungs. I hope so much we make it one week and then hopefully about 15 more. I had a few contractions overnight, according to my night nurse, but of course didn't feel them. Things seem calm now and I'm hoping they stay that way.

PS:I re-numbered the posts, because although I got admitted on Monday, I'm counting Tuesday as day 1 of bedrest.

Bedrest Day 2

Today I woke refreshed after somehow managing to sleep from 10:30-1 (woken to take take meds and vitals) and again from 1-6. Nothing like a restorative night of sleep to make for a good day. I realized, however, that I need a bit of structure to my days, otherwise I hop from activity to activity and don't feel like I've accomplished anything. So I'll work on a schedule tomorrow;)

My uterus has been a bit irritable this evening and my nurse checked with the perinatologist on call, who prescribed some oral terbutaline. It's a low dose, so hopefully I'll avoid the heart palpitations it is known to cause. And I just moved my monitor away from Buggy, and things seem to have calmed down. I think he was exploring the region a little too heartily and the monitor was picking it up as uterine movement.

Thank you for your calls, emails, texts, comments, support. It's so helpful and I'm deeply appreciative.

I leave you with a parting shot of my lovely legwear. Come on, you know you're jealous!

The View From Here

Somewhat limited based on my restricted position, but here's what I see for 23.75 hours of each day.

You'll notice books, flowers, liquids, DVDs, magazines, and brownies. A pretty sweet set-up if you ask me!

Bedrest Day 1

Today we learned that I will be on bedrest for the rest of this pregnancy, which will hopefully be about four months. Whether this will be here or at home is yet to be determined. My cervix is incompetent and my uterus is irritable. I love the words they use to describe my body, they sound so much more insulting than male terminology like "erectile dysfunction", but I digress.

Uterine irritability means the uterus has a constant low level twitching, not rhythmic contractions, but constant movement. Incompetent cervix means that my cervix is not holding long and strong like it should be at 22 weeks, and is shortening, softening, and funneling, which shouldn't happen this early.

Bedrest is fine. Honestly, it's no big deal and if it will result in a healthy Buggy at home in January, then so be it. With Cayden, everyone assumed that my polyhydramnios was the reason for my preterm labor, but it seems that maybe I'm prone to it no matter what. I've already been told that I will have a cerclage placed at 13 weeks the next time around.

Here's what's slightly annoying about bedrest:

1. The compression boots I wear 24/7 to prevent deep vein thrombosis. Haven't figured out how to sleep with them, and unplugging them each time I go to the bathroom isn't exactly fun.

2. The volume on the TV is on the remote, not from the TV. It's weird.

3. Heartburn. Being constantly reclined means lots of heartburn. Yuck.

4. Muscle atrophy. I already feel weak and am not quite sure how I will hold a baby come January!

Here's what's great:

1. The food. CPMC has a restaurant-style menu ordering system with food that is actually yummy. I'm lucky for this, I know. Tonight I had tofu and vegetable stir-fry with jasmine rice and german chocolate cake.

2. The nurses. They rock. Especially our NICU nurse Erin who came to visit last night before her shift. She's helping us plot a way to smuggle Scout in:) And she and Thanh might bust me out if I get wheelchair privleges at some point!

3. The doctors. They also rock.

4. The fact that I have a private room.

5. Visitors and phone calls, emails and texts.

6. Scott. He brings me whatever I request. And tonight he will help me take a 5 minute bench shower. If washing your wife's greasy hair isn't true love, then I don't know what is.

So that's the update for today. Trying to stay positive and calm. I'm so grateful that they caught this in time!

Get a room!

Last night, Scott and I took a little trip to OB triage for some lower back cramping. We joked with the nurse that since we were coming back today for a fetal echo, that we should just get a room and sleep over. Oh, had we only known!

Here I am in room 123, my home for at least the next two weeks while I'm bedrested here in the hospital. While Buggy looked great today, my cervix did not. And my uterus is being irritable. The irony of a seemingly healthy baby with an uncooperative body is almost too much to digest. But Buggy seems unaffected by it all and that's what matters. Hopefully he'll keep on baking for many weeks!

This thing you call god

I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with god, or the idea of a god, has been pretty shaky since Cayden was born and died. But this morning's devastating news has pretty much solidified my feelings. Don't get me wrong, I was never the type to believe that god meddled in individual lives, never really prayed for specific things for me, but at one point I had some sense that there was a larger picture and perhaps this thing called god was in control. I've never done well with comments like, "God chose you to be Cayden's parents" or "God meant for this to happen" or "God has a plan for you". They're not comforting to me and they just don't jive with my experience.


What the hell am I talking about? I'm talking about this. Mirne and Craig just lost their third beautiful baby, Jet. Don't tell me there's a god, don't tell me this was meant to be. I am heartbroken for these wonderful people who are living in a hell I cannot fathom. I am crying for them and for Freyja, Kees, and Jet.


Please don't comment here. Instead, I wish you'd visit Mirne and Craig and tell them how sorry you are that they've lost three babies, how you wish this nightmare was just that. And I'm comfortable that others have different views of god, but I'm in no mood to hear them today.

Ezra Malik

This weekend I'm thinking deeply of my dear friend Sarah, her husband David, and their beautiful baby boy Ezra. Sarah has taught me so much on this journey and I am grateful each day to have her in my life. While I wish I could be with them as they unveil Ezra's headstone, I will say kaddish for their beautiful boy tomorrow and remember him always.

Buggy

Last night Scott told me that a ladybug landed on his leg while he was sitting on the couch. I'm taking this as a sign that it's time to finally announce that we are growing Cayden's little brother, affectionately known as Buggy.

Lev River

Tonight I'm thinking of Aliza and Arik and their beautiful baby boy, Lev River, who should be sticky and sweet and covered with his first birthday cake tonight. I wish he were with his parents in their arms, and I'm holding him close in my heart.

Hope

Tonight I'm remembering Hope. The 19th is her first birthday and since her mum and dad live in Australia, it's already the 19th there.

Hope's mum Sally has been an incredible support to me and while I wish we'd never met this way, I am so glad to have her as a dear friend. Much love to them as they miss their baby girl.

Love

Yesterday I visited a very special girl in a beautiful place and was reminded that all you need is love.