Nine months gone

You are missed, baby boy.

29 weeks

I had my first return trip to the hospital today for my weekly non-stress test. Buggy cooperated and was pretty reactive and my amniotic fluid looks good. It was nice to hear his heart beating, though he's so active these days that I get reassurance with every jab.

Today is 29 weeks. I'm both shocked by how far I've made it and terrified with how many weeks I have to go, knowing all that could go wrong. See, once you've had a baby whose died, your world opens up to all of the many ways babies can and do die. Cord accidents, infections, genetic diseases, placental abruptions, and that's only before they're born. Then there's SIDS, more infections, cancer, freak accidents. I know it's a mother's job to worry about her child, but sometimes the worry seems unbearable. I wonder, if this baby ends up coming home healthy and alive, how I'll ever be able to simply enjoy him. This a rhetorical statement, I'm not fishing for tips on how to relax and enjoy having a baby at home. Right now that time seems impossibly far away, though it's possibly only 5-6 weeks, though we're hoping for longer. I'd just like to curl up into my own dark cocoon and hibernate until he arrives.

To Leap

A friend sent me a piece from last Sunday's New York Times written by Ann Hood. I read Hood's memoir "Comfort" this past June. Inhaled it, actually, while sitting on a bench in Central Park, tears streaming down my cheeks. If you haven't read it, and have experienced the loss of a child, I highly recommend it.

She ends her NYT piece with the below words, which simply took my breath away.

"What I do know is this: there is no safe route through parenthood, or through life. When we offer our heart to others, we do not know what will happen to it. It may break. It may grow. It may take us places we never imagined. But isn’t that the risk of love? To be willing to stand on the stern on a beautiful summer day and, not knowing the outcome, to leap?"

The Winning Weight

I am beyond thrilled to let you know that Buggy weighed in at a jumbo weight of 2 pounds 12 ounces and that the lovely Jenni guessed correctly. Still working on creating a bedrest-friendly prize, though I have some ideas. Thank you all for playing and nice work Jenni!

I'm outta here!

With a steady cervix at 2.4 and a Buggy weighing in at-- (no, I'll stay true to my word and wait until tomorrow to reveal his weight), I'm heading home to continue bedrest from the comfort of my couch and bed. Thank you all for the incredible support during my 38 days in the hospital, couldn't have made it without you!

Here's how I'll be spending the next 3 months:

It's Cayden in my belly in the above photo, his little brother is below.

Guess Buggy's Weight!

Hopefully tonight is my last night in the hospital until I deliver this baby boy. Cross your fingers, toes, legs, and arms that tomorrow's 1 pm ultrasound shows a long cervix and that my fetal fibronectin is negative. Those are my exit tickets!

Now for some fun...

Rather than guessing my weight, I think it'll be more fun (and definitely less humiliating) for you to guess Buggy's weight. Here are some clues that may be helpful:

? On 9/21, Buggy's weight was estimated at 1 pound 8 ounces (23 weeks 4 days)

? On 9/28, Buggy's weight was estimated at 1 pound 10 ounces (24 weeks 4 days)

? Tomorrow I will be 27 weeks 6 days

? Here is a fetal length/weight chart

To give everyone a fair chance, since some of you sleep while I am awake, I won't post the answer until Thursday morning. Good luck!

Bedrest Day 33-35 (Friday-Sunday)

I have a good excuse for not blogging-mom is visiting! As you can see from the below picture, this visit includes lots of pampering like Starbucks in the morning, take-out lunch, home-cooked dinner, and an in-bed pedicure! Doesn't get much better than that!

I've also been able to spend lots of time with Scout lately, as Scott has become quite the pro at sneaking her in. Though she's always beeen a daddy's girl, my time away has increased her attachment to Scott, so it's been great to see her and let her know I haven't completely abandoned her. I've had several fun visits recently, too, which has been entertaining, especially when they involve toddler boys!

Today marks 5 weeks in the hospital. Luckily, it doesn't feel that long but I am defnitely ready to get out of here if Wednesday's tests indicate that it is safe to continue bedrest at home. Reaching 28 weeks is hugely reassuring, though we just scheduled my c-section date in January, and I'm fully hoping to get to, or at least very close to, that date.

PS-There will be a contest on Wednesday: Guess Buggy's Weight! Stay tuned for details...

i remember

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On October 15, across the globe, loved ones will light a candle at 7:00 pm in memory of babies who have died.

If you can, please light a candle for the babies when it is 7:00 pm in your part of the world. Remember our babies, say their names. These little ones are forever part of our families, our lives and while we remember them every day, we especially remember them today.

I'm holding Cayden, and all the babies gone too soon, so tightly in my heart today. Wherever they are, I hope they're together.

Bedrest Day 30 (Tuesday) and Test 4

Look who came for dinner!

I had a fetal fibronetin today-negative. So if it holds true, that will bring us to almost 29 weeks. A big ultrasound is scheduled for next Wednesday, which may give us some idea if I'll stay in the hospital or head home.

I want to really thank all of you so much for your incredible support. It has been so amazing to be able to literally feel the support and love in this room, coming from all of you, and it has absolutely helped make this very, very bearable. You are a special bunch of friends and family, as Scott frequently remarks and I, of course, am in complete agreement:)

A winner!

Okay folks, you ready?

157

And the winner is Karen! But sadly, Karen, I think the monitor piece I wear probably only accounts for maybe 1 pound of my poundage.

Really, I'm not bothered by this. The majority seems to be going straight to my belly, and hopefully either my placenta or Buggy, both good scenarios. Thanks for playing!

A game?

Okay, let's play a little game, shall we? It's gloomy here (outside), and it'd be nice to have something to brighten things up, so let's play "Guess Paige's Weight".

Every Monday, a huge rolling scale is brought into my room and my weight is checked. I wear my clothes and slippers and keep my TOCO monitor on.

By way of background:

-Before I got pregnant with Buggy, I weighed 124 pounds. I am 5'8.

-My total weight gain with Cayden was 20 pounds, though he was born at 32 weeks.

-I continue to eat grilled cheese for lunch nearly every day, along with a salad. And a more than occasional slice of chocolate cake.

-I make approximately 6-8 trips to the bathroom each day. Otherwise, I am in bed. (I give you this stat for you to consider calories burned, not because I think you care how often I go to the bathroom!)

So, dear friends, enter your guesses as to this week's weight in your comment and whomever gets closest (to the pound) will...will...well, I can't exactly run to the shops or the post office to buy and mail you something, but at least you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you won. Also, I promise, I won't be offended by your guesses:) And Sarah, Sally, and Carly-you can't play because you already know the answer!

Update: People, please consider the fact that I've been flat on my side in bed for 4 weeks now, but eating like a normal pregnant woman. Andria and Melis, you're too, too kind. But not even close;)

Bedrest Day 28 (Sunday)

Today was a wonderful day! Though I was woken up super early for vitals and monitoring, it was nice to get the day going. A Vikings win, great visits with two thoughtful J.s, a nap with Scott, and Thursday's episode of The Office all put me in a great mood. Here are some photos of Jess with her basket of goodies and putting up some new wall decorations, courtesy of mom. I'm wiped from my day o'fun, so I'm off to sleep!

Bedrest Day 26&27 (Friday/Saturday)

A collection of random thoughts:

1. A tired husband will fall asleep even on the most uncomfortable of hospital cots.

2. My brain may be atrophying faster than my muscles, despite the fact that I'm still doing some work and reading and playing sudoku. Yikes.

3. The ceiling of the stairwell in the house we lived in our senior year of college was painted like a blue sky with fluffy white clouds. That could be a good idea for the ceilings of hospital rooms, if done right. Especially for bedrested mamas who don't get to spend a lot of time outdoors. Or those who live in San Francisco where the fog is so dense you can't see your hand in front of your face even if you get to go outdoors.

4. Buggy must be having a growth spurt, based on both my incredible hunger and hormonal surge that last night resulted in a dream from which I awoke and found myself sobbing and crying actual tears.

5. My favorite nurse offered to take my laundry home and do it herself so as not to overwhelm Scott. The nurses here at CPMC are, for sure, the best in the world.

6. You know the city you live in is too expensive when your nurse tells she works as both a deputy attorney general and a labor and delivery nurse.

7. A Friday night homemade dinner, delivered and enjoyed with friends, is a great way to end the week. Thanks A&F!

8. There were more, but I can't remember. See #2.

Bedrest Day 24&25 (Wednesday/Thursday)

Another few uneventful days. I recently read that every day I remain pregnant means two fewer days Buggy will spend in the NICU. For anyone who has been a NICU parent, that's great motivation to be a compliant bedrested mama!

Today I had a fantastic visit with Aliza. Thanks to Aliza, I'm sleeping in comfort with a new mattress pad! And smelling particularly good thanks to her care package. Tonight I had a surprise furry visitor, since she'll be having a sleepover this weekend with M&M. It was so great to see her and get some cuddles.

In other news, I was granted patio wheelchair privileges today! Sitting up is a huge treat, so you can bet I'll be spending lots of time on the patio, since it means I can be vertical.

I can't believe Monday will be a month since I settled into Room 123. Time is going surprisingly fast, and I'm grateful for all my cheerleaders (that means you!), the incredible nurses and doctors, and the fact that Buggy seems quite content to stay safe and cozy inside his mama.

Sukkot!

Right now it's Sukkot, the Jewish festival holiday when Jews traditionally visited the Temple in Jerusalem. Sukkot is the plural of the Hebrew word sukkah, meaning booth or hut. The sukkah represents the temporary dwellings in which the ancient Israelites dwelt during their 40 years of wandering in the desert after the Exodus from Egypt. Many Jews will build a sukkah in their backyards during Sukkot and spend time and eating meals there. It's decorated with leafy branches across the open roof, on which you hang fruit. Inside, there is typically a table with a lulav (bundle of specific branches) and an etrog (a yellow citron). Clearly building a sukkah is not an option for us, since we a) live in an urban condo with no backyard, and b) I currently live in a hospital room.

So, imagine my surprise when I found myself the lucky recipient of a sukkah in the mail! My incredible friend Jenny created a complete mini-Sukkah for my room! It has leafy branches, fruit hanging from the branches, and a table set with a lulav, etrog, candles, and challah. I spent this morning assembling it and it now resides on a chair at the foot of my bed. It's really amazing and was such a labor of love with all the fine details. Thank you Jenny, I love it!

PS-The pictures DO NOT do it justice.

Bedrest Day 22&23 (Monday/Tuesday)

Sorry for my lax blogging, but always assume that an absence of entries is because things are nice and boring. I don't mean to make anyone worry, and rest assured that if things start going crazy, I'll blog about it!

I had a surprise ultrasound Tuesday. I say surprise because I thought we were skipping it this week, but apparently not. My cervix is stable at 2.2-2.4. This is a horrible measurement overall, but great considering it could be getting shorter. So we continue to take one day at a time. Buggy looked good on ultrasound and was smacking his lips. Not so cooperative for photos, though.

I'd be lying if I said this experience wasn't a bit like 'Groundhog's Day' in that most every day feels exactly the same. It's been gorgeous here lately so I have been able to spend time on the patio reading, which definitely helps pass the time. We're getting close to 28, which feels huge and important, though we clearly want Buggy to continue baking until 2010.

Bedrest Day 21: Chartreuse Sunday

25 weeks 3 days

Bedrest Day 19&20 (Friday/Saturday)

Not much new to report, just how we like it. Friday night was pizza and salad dinner with Jess, who added some nice buggy art to my room. Can you see it? Saturday was Scout day and we had a great time on the patio, enjoying some beautiful sun together.

Buggy has been extremely active the last two nights and I'm convinced he knows it's the weekend!

Bedrest Day 17&18 (Wednesday/Thursday)

Sorry for the combo update again. Wednesday was a typical day with a few fun surprises from friends and family-some books I can't wait to devour, a beautiful Jizo painting, and a Keurig single cup coffee maker. Gone are the days of hospital coffee-flavored water! Starting my day with a good cup of coffee makes a big difference.

Today I made it outside for the first time since last Saturday, as the weather was especially cooperative. It was sunny and warm and I basked with a book, visited with a friend, and soaked up some fresh air. Here's Buggy in the belly at 25 weeks. Speaking of 25 weeks, everyone is thrilled that I've made it to 25 and 28 is looking very possible. No talk of going home, yet, but I'm fine with that.