Right Where I Am: 2 Years, 4 Months, 2 Days

(Many thanks to the beautiful Angie for dragging my lazy blogging bum back to the blogworld through this incredible project.)

Typing "2 Years, 4 Months, 2 Days" brings back the shock and incredulity that flooded my mind in the early days. And those feelings still appear with some frequency. I can't believe I had a baby and that he lived for two weeks and then my husband and I held him in my arms as he gasped his last breaths. I still can't believe it actually happened. I work hard to remember every detail of his two weeks. I fear forgetting the smallest thing, forgetting the smallest moments of his short life that are all we have.

Honestly, I'm a bit overwhelmed when contemplating where I am, because so often, I'm all over the place with my grief. I think this would surprise many, to know that I am still grieving deeply, aching often, and missing my Cayden with all of my heart. Yet life is much better, much easier, nearly two and half years since his death. A large reason for that is Severin. I am so eternally, deeply grateful for this little boy who fills our house with laughter and smiles. Not a second goes by when I don't appreciate the incredible gift we have been given by having a live and healthy child in our home. I hurt for friends, babylost and not, who hold dreams of babies, real and imagined, only in their hearts.

I cycle in my grief. Evenings are hard. As I rock Sev and read him stories before bed, I fight back tears most nights. Sometimes they are tears of longing, sometimes tears of gratitude, but it seems that is the place that my grief manifests itself most often these days. Holding and rocking Cayden was the only way we held him, so the psychology major in me is not surprised that this triggers such sadness.

But sadness is no way dominates my life anymore. Rather, gratitude has taken its place. I am grateful for my family, our health, my amazing friends, my important work, nature. Cayden's death illustrated how quickly life can change and I'm determined to appreciate it all. I have more moments of sheer happiness now than I did before Cayden died. That suprises me, because I also feel that I will never be truly happy again, given the jagged hole in my heart. But feeling deep pain seems to have also enabled feelings of extreme joy.

I have little patience for those who care more about the birth experience than a healthy baby. I am irked by those who assume pregnancy and live babies are the only outcome. I despise seeing parents take their children for granted, or acting harshly towards them. I am completely comfortable telling, or not telling, people about Cayden. For a while, I needed to tell everyone. If I were asked "Is this your first?" when pregnant with Sev, I would never have said "yes", but I now know that not telling someone about Cayden doesn't diminish his life like I once thought it did. I feel sometimes like I am the resident "dead baby mama". On a local moms message board I answer nearly all the posts asking, "How should I support my friend whose 36 week old was stillborn?" or "What should I do for my friend on her first mother's day after losing her baby?" I volunteer as a back-up contact for families who have lost babies and I've supported bereaved parents through email support. I want to pay forward the incredible support we received after Cayden died and I look for ways to do this within the babylost community.

The babylost community has brought some amazing people into my life, many lifelong friends. And it goes without saying I wish we'd never met. But my life has been truly enriched by these friendships and the support they provide. I don't get time to visit blogs much anymore, but I think very often of those I've been lucky enough to meet on this journey. And I've also been fortunate to see most of my existing friendships strengthen and deepen. The people in our lives, overall, have been amazing. We are so lucky.

So where am I? I'm happy and I'm sad. I'm grateful and I'm devastated. My days are more sun than rain. My heart is lighter, except when it's heavy. Grief has seeped into every fiber of my being, but that doesn't upset me. I am comfortable with my new reality, my new life. I did not imagine it could feel this much better in two years. I cannot believe it's been two years. I still cannot believe Cayden died.

A New Spot

After some reflection, I've decided to start a new blog for Sev photos, stories, etc... It can be found here.

Hirsch Happenings will still be a place in which I write when I feel the need, but it didn't feel right to transition to our life with our second son in this space. Thanks for understanding.

This Place

My silence here is the result of several factors, the most obvious being that my days and nights are completely filled with Sev. I wouldn't want it any other way, and I'm trying to savor each moment because it really does go by so, so fast.

This blog was initially created as a way to keep distant friends and family informed of the goings on of our little family. After Cayden's birth and death, it naturally became a place to connect with other babylost mamas, remember Cayd, and to share my grief journey. With Buggy's conception and rocky pregnancy, it also became a way to chronicle his journey to life on the outside. Now that Sev is here, I'm a bit confused as to what this blog should be. On the one hand, there is still a desire for us to keep our friends and family caught up on our family, especially now that Sev is here. But I'm hesitant to do so, as I know how difficult it can be for the babylost to be deluged with all things new baby. Yet there will still be many times where the focus is on grieving Cayd, whose absence is more profound now than ever, as we live each day with a little boy and wonder what it would've been like had his big brother lived.

Maybe it's a good thing that I have no time to write, since I'm not sure exactly what to write.

You Are My Sunshine

With Sev sleeping soundly in my lap and "You Are My Sunshine" playing, I'm unsurprised by the juxtaposition of joy and sorrow I feel today. I sing along to the lyrics we all remember:

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away."

Except for the 'only' part, these words describe perfectly the sheer happiness that Sev brings to each and every day. But there are lyrics to the song that I didn't realize, that capture the sorrow I feel as I remember Sev's sweet big brother as he lay in our arms taking his last breaths one year ago today, and the still gaping hole in my heart that aches when I think of our baby Cayden.

"The other night dear as I was sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke dear I was mistaken
And I hung my head and I cried."

It feels impossible to manage the absolute ecstasy of seeing Sev in front of me, living and breathing and at home with us, along with the crushing pain of wearing a few of his brother's ashes in a teardrop necklace around my neck. So I smile at my living son while the tears flow freely for his dead brother and I feel like the happiest sad mama in the world.

Settling In

I love my sling!

Sorry for the lack of posts, but we've been busy getting to know our little guy. Sev is a very good baby so far, and though when I was pregnant I gave him complete permission to be as difficult as he wanted to be so long as he stayed in nice and long and was healthy, so far he's an incredibly easy babe.

We're feeling very grateful these days. Grateful to have our second son safe at home and to be surrounded by loving friends and family.

PS-For those wondering, Scout has been the most incredible dog since Sev came home, not that we really expected otherwise. She is beyond mellow, completely tolerant of any crying and much of mama's time being spent on baby. Still trying to get a good pic of them together, hopefully soon.

Happy Birthday Big Brother

Today, January 16, we're celebrating Cayden's first birthday, remembering how it amazing it was when he entered this world, wishing he were here, and thankful that we had two special weeks with our first baby boy. Thank you for remembering him with us, for speaking his name, and for helping to soothe our saddened hearts by never forgetting him. We love you baby Cayd and we miss you every day.

Home

First, I apologize for not posting but I couldn't add photos to blogger from my phone in and I figured a post without photos isn't much fun.

We're doing really well and are happy to be home. Sev is a very content baby thus far and only cries when he needs something. He's a champion at sucking, we think Maggie Simpson has found her match. Sleep seems to be a thing of the past, and we couldn't be happier.

First Photo

This is the first photo of Severin Cayden Hirsch taken shortly after birth. We ask that you DO NOT share this photo with TMZ we are currently in negotiations with People and US Weekly.

Also with his large hands Paige and Scott are deflecting all calls regarding his interest to be Quarterback at your University to me Uncle/Coach/Agent Ted.

Enjoy, there are more to follow and both Paige and Scott are doing great!

Buggy Is Here!

Severin Cayden Hirsch arrived safely via c-section at 2:40, weighing in at a whopping 8 pounds 14 ounces and measuring 20 inches long. (I think that means I won the bet. -Uncle Ted)

Mama, Daddy and Sev are doing well and thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your incredible love and support!!

(Pictures Soon)

C-Day!

Okay friends, here we go! The countdown is over and we are so thankful that we've reached this day. We check in at noon and surgery is at 2:00, though there's always the possibility that we will be bumped for any emergency c-sections. Here's a belly photo as we head out the door...

Today also finds us sending many happy 2nd birthday wishes to a very special little girl. Carly, I'm so happy that you and Buggy will share this day. You are an amazing little one and both you and your parents are an incredible source of inspiration.