Saturday, August 29, 2009
Ezra Malik
This weekend I'm thinking deeply of my dear friend Sarah, her husband David, and their beautiful baby boy Ezra. Sarah has taught me so much on this journey and I am grateful each day to have her in my life. While I wish I could be with them as they unveil Ezra's headstone, I will say kaddish for their beautiful boy tomorrow and remember him always.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Buggy
Last night Scott told me that a ladybug landed on his leg while he was sitting on the couch. I'm taking this as a sign that it's time to finally announce that we are growing Cayden's little brother, affectionately known as Buggy.
We have kept this quiet as it's an overwhelmingly frightening experience, and we have desired to minimize the number of people forced to ride this rollercoaster with us. We are fortunate to be surrounded with an amazing amount of love and support, without which I don't want to fathom where we'd be.
I chose this picture because I think it perfectly portrays the delicacy of our current situation. As of today, everything seems okay. But we have been repeatedly told that we are not out of the woods (I used to love the woods, starting to kind of hate them now...), as Pena-Shokeir can appear well into the third trimester.
I chose this picture because I think it perfectly portrays the delicacy of our current situation. As of today, everything seems okay. But we have been repeatedly told that we are not out of the woods (I used to love the woods, starting to kind of hate them now...), as Pena-Shokeir can appear well into the third trimester.
We are grateful to find ourselves here, incredibly scared, and hoping for a different kind of January.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Hope
Tonight I'm remembering Hope. The 19th is her first birthday and since her mum and dad live in Australia, it's already the 19th there.
Hope's mum Sally has been an incredible support to me and while I wish we'd never met this way, I am so glad to have her as a dear friend. Much love to them as they miss their baby girl.
Hope's mum Sally has been an incredible support to me and while I wish we'd never met this way, I am so glad to have her as a dear friend. Much love to them as they miss their baby girl.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Love
Yesterday I visited a very special girl in a beautiful place and was reminded that all you need is love.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Perspective Shift
Last Friday I was watching the movie "Knocked Up", one of our favorites and frequently on HBO these days. This post is about one of the last scenes, in which the main character Alison is in labor, attempting a drug-free birth, when the baby starts having decelerations of the heart rate. The doctor thinks the cord may be wrapped around the neck and the following conversation transpires (I've edited, for the sake of brevity. Feel free to skip this part if you remember the movie.):
DR. KUNI: We’re good. The heartbeat’s stronger,but we’re not out of the woods. We need to get things going now. I think the cord is wrapped around the neck.
BEN: What?
DR. KUNI: So I’m going to give you some medicine, pop the bag and get things going, okay? I don’t want to leave the baby in there for long and we can give you some medicine for the pain.
ALISON: No, no, no, no. I don’t want the baby to be born all drugged out. It’s not my birth plan.
DR. KUNI: Now, things change. We don’t have time to debate this.
ALISON: What? No. But no, I’m not comfortable with that. I’m not.
BEN: No. Would you please just listen to her?
DR. KUNI: Fine. Do what you want to do. Should I leave? Do you want to be the doctor? Because I really don’t need to be here.
BEN: No. What we want is to take a second to talk about our options, okay? That’s all we want.
DR. KUNI: No. You mean you want to take a second to tell me how to do my job. My job is to get that baby out safely. Or I can go home! You just let me know. You be the doctor.
At this point, Ben and Dr. Kuni go into the hallway to talk.
BEN: Look, she’s just having a hard time because her and her doctor had a very specific birth plan. And they wanted it to be a very special experience.
DR. KUNI: Okay. if you want a special experience, go to a Jimmy Buffet concert. We have a new birth plan: Get the baby out safely.
They agree to start fresh and return to the room. After Dr. Kuni explains that he wants to break her water and give her some medicine to speed things up because he doesn't want to risk an infection, Alison replies: "Whatever. Do what you have to do." Dr. Kuni leaves and Alison says, " Oh my God. What a nightmare that guy is."
When I first saw this movie in the theater, I remember agreeing with Alison. I'd wanted a drug-free birth (I don't love the term 'natural' birth, but I mean the same thing), we'd interviewed a doula, and I cared a whole heck of a lot about my birth experience. I thought Dr. Kuni was an asshole and I chose to be seen at a women's clinic primarily staffed by midwives known for encouraging low intervention births.
When I saw the movie again last Friday, I nearly threw a glass at the television. This selfish bitch, whose baby is possibly in danger, throws a tantrum because her precious plan has changed focus from a "very special experience" to getting the baby out safely. How could she argue with getting her baby out safely? She calls the doctor whose sole concern is the safety of her child a "nightmare". She's worried about having a "drugged out" baby. How about worrying about having a dead baby?
This got me thinking about how I ever felt differently than I did last Friday and I think it comes down to this. Babies dying was not part of my schema when I first saw "Knocked Up". I assumed that 9 months = a healthy baby. I now know that is far from true. And it terrifies me. I don't really get jealous or sad when I see pregnant women these days, I'm scared as hell for them since I know that babies die. A lot of babies die for many different reasons. Too many babies. I bet that thought had never entered lovely Alison's mind. Afterall, it was only after I met so many mamas who had lost their babies that I actually looked up and discovered that my Mayo Clinic pregnancy guide had a brief section on stillbirth and neonatal loss. I'd skipped over that part, because, well, it couldn't happen to me, right?
DR. KUNI: We’re good. The heartbeat’s stronger,but we’re not out of the woods. We need to get things going now. I think the cord is wrapped around the neck.
BEN: What?
DR. KUNI: So I’m going to give you some medicine, pop the bag and get things going, okay? I don’t want to leave the baby in there for long and we can give you some medicine for the pain.
ALISON: No, no, no, no. I don’t want the baby to be born all drugged out. It’s not my birth plan.
DR. KUNI: Now, things change. We don’t have time to debate this.
ALISON: What? No. But no, I’m not comfortable with that. I’m not.
BEN: No. Would you please just listen to her?
DR. KUNI: Fine. Do what you want to do. Should I leave? Do you want to be the doctor? Because I really don’t need to be here.
BEN: No. What we want is to take a second to talk about our options, okay? That’s all we want.
DR. KUNI: No. You mean you want to take a second to tell me how to do my job. My job is to get that baby out safely. Or I can go home! You just let me know. You be the doctor.
At this point, Ben and Dr. Kuni go into the hallway to talk.
BEN: Look, she’s just having a hard time because her and her doctor had a very specific birth plan. And they wanted it to be a very special experience.
DR. KUNI: Okay. if you want a special experience, go to a Jimmy Buffet concert. We have a new birth plan: Get the baby out safely.
They agree to start fresh and return to the room. After Dr. Kuni explains that he wants to break her water and give her some medicine to speed things up because he doesn't want to risk an infection, Alison replies: "Whatever. Do what you have to do." Dr. Kuni leaves and Alison says, " Oh my God. What a nightmare that guy is."
When I first saw this movie in the theater, I remember agreeing with Alison. I'd wanted a drug-free birth (I don't love the term 'natural' birth, but I mean the same thing), we'd interviewed a doula, and I cared a whole heck of a lot about my birth experience. I thought Dr. Kuni was an asshole and I chose to be seen at a women's clinic primarily staffed by midwives known for encouraging low intervention births.
When I saw the movie again last Friday, I nearly threw a glass at the television. This selfish bitch, whose baby is possibly in danger, throws a tantrum because her precious plan has changed focus from a "very special experience" to getting the baby out safely. How could she argue with getting her baby out safely? She calls the doctor whose sole concern is the safety of her child a "nightmare". She's worried about having a "drugged out" baby. How about worrying about having a dead baby?
This got me thinking about how I ever felt differently than I did last Friday and I think it comes down to this. Babies dying was not part of my schema when I first saw "Knocked Up". I assumed that 9 months = a healthy baby. I now know that is far from true. And it terrifies me. I don't really get jealous or sad when I see pregnant women these days, I'm scared as hell for them since I know that babies die. A lot of babies die for many different reasons. Too many babies. I bet that thought had never entered lovely Alison's mind. Afterall, it was only after I met so many mamas who had lost their babies that I actually looked up and discovered that my Mayo Clinic pregnancy guide had a brief section on stillbirth and neonatal loss. I'd skipped over that part, because, well, it couldn't happen to me, right?
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