Nine months gone

You are missed, baby boy.

29 weeks

I had my first return trip to the hospital today for my weekly non-stress test. Buggy cooperated and was pretty reactive and my amniotic fluid looks good. It was nice to hear his heart beating, though he's so active these days that I get reassurance with every jab.

Today is 29 weeks. I'm both shocked by how far I've made it and terrified with how many weeks I have to go, knowing all that could go wrong. See, once you've had a baby whose died, your world opens up to all of the many ways babies can and do die. Cord accidents, infections, genetic diseases, placental abruptions, and that's only before they're born. Then there's SIDS, more infections, cancer, freak accidents. I know it's a mother's job to worry about her child, but sometimes the worry seems unbearable. I wonder, if this baby ends up coming home healthy and alive, how I'll ever be able to simply enjoy him. This a rhetorical statement, I'm not fishing for tips on how to relax and enjoy having a baby at home. Right now that time seems impossibly far away, though it's possibly only 5-6 weeks, though we're hoping for longer. I'd just like to curl up into my own dark cocoon and hibernate until he arrives.

To Leap

A friend sent me a piece from last Sunday's New York Times written by Ann Hood. I read Hood's memoir "Comfort" this past June. Inhaled it, actually, while sitting on a bench in Central Park, tears streaming down my cheeks. If you haven't read it, and have experienced the loss of a child, I highly recommend it.

She ends her NYT piece with the below words, which simply took my breath away.

"What I do know is this: there is no safe route through parenthood, or through life. When we offer our heart to others, we do not know what will happen to it. It may break. It may grow. It may take us places we never imagined. But isn’t that the risk of love? To be willing to stand on the stern on a beautiful summer day and, not knowing the outcome, to leap?"

The Winning Weight

I am beyond thrilled to let you know that Buggy weighed in at a jumbo weight of 2 pounds 12 ounces and that the lovely Jenni guessed correctly. Still working on creating a bedrest-friendly prize, though I have some ideas. Thank you all for playing and nice work Jenni!

I'm outta here!

With a steady cervix at 2.4 and a Buggy weighing in at-- (no, I'll stay true to my word and wait until tomorrow to reveal his weight), I'm heading home to continue bedrest from the comfort of my couch and bed. Thank you all for the incredible support during my 38 days in the hospital, couldn't have made it without you!

Here's how I'll be spending the next 3 months:

It's Cayden in my belly in the above photo, his little brother is below.

Guess Buggy's Weight!

Hopefully tonight is my last night in the hospital until I deliver this baby boy. Cross your fingers, toes, legs, and arms that tomorrow's 1 pm ultrasound shows a long cervix and that my fetal fibronectin is negative. Those are my exit tickets!

Now for some fun...

Rather than guessing my weight, I think it'll be more fun (and definitely less humiliating) for you to guess Buggy's weight. Here are some clues that may be helpful:

? On 9/21, Buggy's weight was estimated at 1 pound 8 ounces (23 weeks 4 days)

? On 9/28, Buggy's weight was estimated at 1 pound 10 ounces (24 weeks 4 days)

? Tomorrow I will be 27 weeks 6 days

? Here is a fetal length/weight chart

To give everyone a fair chance, since some of you sleep while I am awake, I won't post the answer until Thursday morning. Good luck!

Bedrest Day 33-35 (Friday-Sunday)

I have a good excuse for not blogging-mom is visiting! As you can see from the below picture, this visit includes lots of pampering like Starbucks in the morning, take-out lunch, home-cooked dinner, and an in-bed pedicure! Doesn't get much better than that!

I've also been able to spend lots of time with Scout lately, as Scott has become quite the pro at sneaking her in. Though she's always beeen a daddy's girl, my time away has increased her attachment to Scott, so it's been great to see her and let her know I haven't completely abandoned her. I've had several fun visits recently, too, which has been entertaining, especially when they involve toddler boys!

Today marks 5 weeks in the hospital. Luckily, it doesn't feel that long but I am defnitely ready to get out of here if Wednesday's tests indicate that it is safe to continue bedrest at home. Reaching 28 weeks is hugely reassuring, though we just scheduled my c-section date in January, and I'm fully hoping to get to, or at least very close to, that date.

PS-There will be a contest on Wednesday: Guess Buggy's Weight! Stay tuned for details...

i remember

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On October 15, across the globe, loved ones will light a candle at 7:00 pm in memory of babies who have died.

If you can, please light a candle for the babies when it is 7:00 pm in your part of the world. Remember our babies, say their names. These little ones are forever part of our families, our lives and while we remember them every day, we especially remember them today.

I'm holding Cayden, and all the babies gone too soon, so tightly in my heart today. Wherever they are, I hope they're together.

Bedrest Day 30 (Tuesday) and Test 4

Look who came for dinner!

I had a fetal fibronetin today-negative. So if it holds true, that will bring us to almost 29 weeks. A big ultrasound is scheduled for next Wednesday, which may give us some idea if I'll stay in the hospital or head home.

I want to really thank all of you so much for your incredible support. It has been so amazing to be able to literally feel the support and love in this room, coming from all of you, and it has absolutely helped make this very, very bearable. You are a special bunch of friends and family, as Scott frequently remarks and I, of course, am in complete agreement:)

A winner!

Okay folks, you ready?

157

And the winner is Karen! But sadly, Karen, I think the monitor piece I wear probably only accounts for maybe 1 pound of my poundage.

Really, I'm not bothered by this. The majority seems to be going straight to my belly, and hopefully either my placenta or Buggy, both good scenarios. Thanks for playing!