Voices

This post has been percolating in my head over the past week or so, but I haven't had the energy to try and extract it from my mind and put into this space. I do apologize, though, if my silence caused any worry. I'm fine, in most senses of the word.

I've been thinking a lot about voices lately. A few weeks ago I was lucky enough to be able to tune into a radio show featuring my dear friend Carly, and just this past week I was able to voice chat/video chat with Sally and Sarah. Hearing the voices of these mamas who are in such similarly scary situations as I find myself right now was soothing and reassuring in a way I couldn't have imagined. This blog world is amazing, it has been an absolute lifeline for me. But hearing the voices of friends around the world, that was pretty magical.

Loss is hard. Pregnancy is supposed to be carefree and blissful. Pregnancy after loss is, well, I can't really find the words. I am so grateful to be here. I wish all babyloss mamas who want to be, could be easily pregnant again. But it is draining. As I approach the end of this pregnancy, I'm battling several voices in my head on a daily, if not hourly, basis.

There is the voice that constantly warns me to keep my expectations low. It tells me that babies die, even seemingly healthy babies, and that I shouldn't expect to actually take a baby home this time. It tells me I'm foolish for ordering a carseat and buying Mrs. Meyer's baby laundry detergent.

There is also the voice that tells me to wash the onesies and swaddling blankets, choose a pediatrician, and be somewhat prepared for Buggy's arrival. It tells me that Buggy could come tomorrow and will most likely be healthy and will need the basics.

Think of these voices like little people perched on either shoulder, battling each other for my attention. I try to ignore voice one and focus more on voice two, but most of the time I simply plug my ears and yell, "la la la la" until something distracts me completely.

Tomorrow I will be 31 weeks 6 days, the exact gestational age when Cayden was born. Beyond that lay unchartered waters. I've never been 32, 33, 34 weeks pregnant. I have no idea what to expect. We don't know how this pregnancy will end and the assumption that it will end well bothers me. Of course it's what we hope for, but it's not a given. So I think I'll keep my ears plugged, burrow under the covers, and hope that the next few weeks fly by quickly and quietly.

A Busy Day

Today we shuttled from one floor of the hospital to another for our weekly non-stress test, a fetal fibronectin test and appointment with our MFM Dr. A., and an ultrasound. Buggy was very cooperative and nicely reactive during the NST, though rather sleepy during the ultrasound. He's a big boy, with a big head, weighing in at approximately 3 pounds 10 ounces, bigger than Cayden was when he was born at 32 weeks! My cervix looked the best it has in a while, enough so that the perinatologist we saw would be comfortable with slightly increased activity. But we're still waiting on the fetal fibronectin results and Dr. A.'s orders regarding the activity-she's the boss and we'll do whatever she says. And now I'm completely exhausted. The nurse we saw today said that a person on bedrest loses 3% of their muscle mass for each day of bedrest. So, with almost 2 months on bedrest, I'm feeling it!

Nine months gone

You are missed, baby boy.

29 weeks

I had my first return trip to the hospital today for my weekly non-stress test. Buggy cooperated and was pretty reactive and my amniotic fluid looks good. It was nice to hear his heart beating, though he's so active these days that I get reassurance with every jab.

Today is 29 weeks. I'm both shocked by how far I've made it and terrified with how many weeks I have to go, knowing all that could go wrong. See, once you've had a baby whose died, your world opens up to all of the many ways babies can and do die. Cord accidents, infections, genetic diseases, placental abruptions, and that's only before they're born. Then there's SIDS, more infections, cancer, freak accidents. I know it's a mother's job to worry about her child, but sometimes the worry seems unbearable. I wonder, if this baby ends up coming home healthy and alive, how I'll ever be able to simply enjoy him. This a rhetorical statement, I'm not fishing for tips on how to relax and enjoy having a baby at home. Right now that time seems impossibly far away, though it's possibly only 5-6 weeks, though we're hoping for longer. I'd just like to curl up into my own dark cocoon and hibernate until he arrives.

To Leap

A friend sent me a piece from last Sunday's New York Times written by Ann Hood. I read Hood's memoir "Comfort" this past June. Inhaled it, actually, while sitting on a bench in Central Park, tears streaming down my cheeks. If you haven't read it, and have experienced the loss of a child, I highly recommend it.

She ends her NYT piece with the below words, which simply took my breath away.

"What I do know is this: there is no safe route through parenthood, or through life. When we offer our heart to others, we do not know what will happen to it. It may break. It may grow. It may take us places we never imagined. But isn’t that the risk of love? To be willing to stand on the stern on a beautiful summer day and, not knowing the outcome, to leap?"

The Winning Weight

I am beyond thrilled to let you know that Buggy weighed in at a jumbo weight of 2 pounds 12 ounces and that the lovely Jenni guessed correctly. Still working on creating a bedrest-friendly prize, though I have some ideas. Thank you all for playing and nice work Jenni!

I'm outta here!

With a steady cervix at 2.4 and a Buggy weighing in at-- (no, I'll stay true to my word and wait until tomorrow to reveal his weight), I'm heading home to continue bedrest from the comfort of my couch and bed. Thank you all for the incredible support during my 38 days in the hospital, couldn't have made it without you!

Here's how I'll be spending the next 3 months:

It's Cayden in my belly in the above photo, his little brother is below.

Guess Buggy's Weight!

Hopefully tonight is my last night in the hospital until I deliver this baby boy. Cross your fingers, toes, legs, and arms that tomorrow's 1 pm ultrasound shows a long cervix and that my fetal fibronectin is negative. Those are my exit tickets!

Now for some fun...

Rather than guessing my weight, I think it'll be more fun (and definitely less humiliating) for you to guess Buggy's weight. Here are some clues that may be helpful:

? On 9/21, Buggy's weight was estimated at 1 pound 8 ounces (23 weeks 4 days)

? On 9/28, Buggy's weight was estimated at 1 pound 10 ounces (24 weeks 4 days)

? Tomorrow I will be 27 weeks 6 days

? Here is a fetal length/weight chart

To give everyone a fair chance, since some of you sleep while I am awake, I won't post the answer until Thursday morning. Good luck!

Bedrest Day 33-35 (Friday-Sunday)

I have a good excuse for not blogging-mom is visiting! As you can see from the below picture, this visit includes lots of pampering like Starbucks in the morning, take-out lunch, home-cooked dinner, and an in-bed pedicure! Doesn't get much better than that!

I've also been able to spend lots of time with Scout lately, as Scott has become quite the pro at sneaking her in. Though she's always beeen a daddy's girl, my time away has increased her attachment to Scott, so it's been great to see her and let her know I haven't completely abandoned her. I've had several fun visits recently, too, which has been entertaining, especially when they involve toddler boys!

Today marks 5 weeks in the hospital. Luckily, it doesn't feel that long but I am defnitely ready to get out of here if Wednesday's tests indicate that it is safe to continue bedrest at home. Reaching 28 weeks is hugely reassuring, though we just scheduled my c-section date in January, and I'm fully hoping to get to, or at least very close to, that date.

PS-There will be a contest on Wednesday: Guess Buggy's Weight! Stay tuned for details...

i remember

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On October 15, across the globe, loved ones will light a candle at 7:00 pm in memory of babies who have died.

If you can, please light a candle for the babies when it is 7:00 pm in your part of the world. Remember our babies, say their names. These little ones are forever part of our families, our lives and while we remember them every day, we especially remember them today.

I'm holding Cayden, and all the babies gone too soon, so tightly in my heart today. Wherever they are, I hope they're together.