Voices

This post has been percolating in my head over the past week or so, but I haven't had the energy to try and extract it from my mind and put into this space. I do apologize, though, if my silence caused any worry. I'm fine, in most senses of the word.

I've been thinking a lot about voices lately. A few weeks ago I was lucky enough to be able to tune into a radio show featuring my dear friend Carly, and just this past week I was able to voice chat/video chat with Sally and Sarah. Hearing the voices of these mamas who are in such similarly scary situations as I find myself right now was soothing and reassuring in a way I couldn't have imagined. This blog world is amazing, it has been an absolute lifeline for me. But hearing the voices of friends around the world, that was pretty magical.

Loss is hard. Pregnancy is supposed to be carefree and blissful. Pregnancy after loss is, well, I can't really find the words. I am so grateful to be here. I wish all babyloss mamas who want to be, could be easily pregnant again. But it is draining. As I approach the end of this pregnancy, I'm battling several voices in my head on a daily, if not hourly, basis.

There is the voice that constantly warns me to keep my expectations low. It tells me that babies die, even seemingly healthy babies, and that I shouldn't expect to actually take a baby home this time. It tells me I'm foolish for ordering a carseat and buying Mrs. Meyer's baby laundry detergent.

There is also the voice that tells me to wash the onesies and swaddling blankets, choose a pediatrician, and be somewhat prepared for Buggy's arrival. It tells me that Buggy could come tomorrow and will most likely be healthy and will need the basics.

Think of these voices like little people perched on either shoulder, battling each other for my attention. I try to ignore voice one and focus more on voice two, but most of the time I simply plug my ears and yell, "la la la la" until something distracts me completely.

Tomorrow I will be 31 weeks 6 days, the exact gestational age when Cayden was born. Beyond that lay unchartered waters. I've never been 32, 33, 34 weeks pregnant. I have no idea what to expect. We don't know how this pregnancy will end and the assumption that it will end well bothers me. Of course it's what we hope for, but it's not a given. So I think I'll keep my ears plugged, burrow under the covers, and hope that the next few weeks fly by quickly and quietly.