Somewhat limited based on my restricted position, but here's what I see for 23.75 hours of each day.
You'll notice books, flowers, liquids, DVDs, magazines, and brownies. A pretty sweet set-up if you ask me!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The View From Here
You'll notice books, flowers, liquids, DVDs, magazines, and brownies. A pretty sweet set-up if you ask me!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Bedrest Day 1
Today we learned that I will be on bedrest for the rest of this pregnancy, which will hopefully be about four months. Whether this will be here or at home is yet to be determined. My cervix is incompetent and my uterus is irritable. I love the words they use to describe my body, they sound so much more insulting than male terminology like "erectile dysfunction", but I digress.
Uterine irritability means the uterus has a constant low level twitching, not rhythmic contractions, but constant movement. Incompetent cervix means that my cervix is not holding long and strong like it should be at 22 weeks, and is shortening, softening, and funneling, which shouldn't happen this early.
Bedrest is fine. Honestly, it's no big deal and if it will result in a healthy Buggy at home in January, then so be it. With Cayden, everyone assumed that my polyhydramnios was the reason for my preterm labor, but it seems that maybe I'm prone to it no matter what. I've already been told that I will have a cerclage placed at 13 weeks the next time around.
Here's what's slightly annoying about bedrest:
1. The compression boots I wear 24/7 to prevent deep vein thrombosis. Haven't figured out how to sleep with them, and unplugging them each time I go to the bathroom isn't exactly fun.
2. The volume on the TV is on the remote, not from the TV. It's weird.
3. Heartburn. Being constantly reclined means lots of heartburn. Yuck.
4. Muscle atrophy. I already feel weak and am not quite sure how I will hold a baby come January!
Here's what's great:
1. The food. CPMC has a restaurant-style menu ordering system with food that is actually yummy. I'm lucky for this, I know. Tonight I had tofu and vegetable stir-fry with jasmine rice and german chocolate cake.
2. The nurses. They rock. Especially our NICU nurse Erin who came to visit last night before her shift. She's helping us plot a way to smuggle Scout in:) And she and Thanh might bust me out if I get wheelchair privleges at some point!
3. The doctors. They also rock.
4. The fact that I have a private room.
5. Visitors and phone calls, emails and texts.
6. Scott. He brings me whatever I request. And tonight he will help me take a 5 minute bench shower. If washing your wife's greasy hair isn't true love, then I don't know what is.
So that's the update for today. Trying to stay positive and calm. I'm so grateful that they caught this in time!
Uterine irritability means the uterus has a constant low level twitching, not rhythmic contractions, but constant movement. Incompetent cervix means that my cervix is not holding long and strong like it should be at 22 weeks, and is shortening, softening, and funneling, which shouldn't happen this early.
Bedrest is fine. Honestly, it's no big deal and if it will result in a healthy Buggy at home in January, then so be it. With Cayden, everyone assumed that my polyhydramnios was the reason for my preterm labor, but it seems that maybe I'm prone to it no matter what. I've already been told that I will have a cerclage placed at 13 weeks the next time around.
Here's what's slightly annoying about bedrest:
1. The compression boots I wear 24/7 to prevent deep vein thrombosis. Haven't figured out how to sleep with them, and unplugging them each time I go to the bathroom isn't exactly fun.
2. The volume on the TV is on the remote, not from the TV. It's weird.
3. Heartburn. Being constantly reclined means lots of heartburn. Yuck.
4. Muscle atrophy. I already feel weak and am not quite sure how I will hold a baby come January!
Here's what's great:
1. The food. CPMC has a restaurant-style menu ordering system with food that is actually yummy. I'm lucky for this, I know. Tonight I had tofu and vegetable stir-fry with jasmine rice and german chocolate cake.
2. The nurses. They rock. Especially our NICU nurse Erin who came to visit last night before her shift. She's helping us plot a way to smuggle Scout in:) And she and Thanh might bust me out if I get wheelchair privleges at some point!
3. The doctors. They also rock.
4. The fact that I have a private room.
5. Visitors and phone calls, emails and texts.
6. Scott. He brings me whatever I request. And tonight he will help me take a 5 minute bench shower. If washing your wife's greasy hair isn't true love, then I don't know what is.
So that's the update for today. Trying to stay positive and calm. I'm so grateful that they caught this in time!
Monday, September 14, 2009
Get a room!
Last night, Scott and I took a little trip to OB triage for some lower back cramping. We joked with the nurse that since we were coming back today for a fetal echo, that we should just get a room and sleep over. Oh, had we only known!
Here I am in room 123, my home for at least the next two weeks while I'm bedrested here in the hospital. While Buggy looked great today, my cervix did not. And my uterus is being irritable. The irony of a seemingly healthy baby with an uncooperative body is almost too much to digest. But Buggy seems unaffected by it all and that's what matters. Hopefully he'll keep on baking for many weeks!
Here I am in room 123, my home for at least the next two weeks while I'm bedrested here in the hospital. While Buggy looked great today, my cervix did not. And my uterus is being irritable. The irony of a seemingly healthy baby with an uncooperative body is almost too much to digest. But Buggy seems unaffected by it all and that's what matters. Hopefully he'll keep on baking for many weeks!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
This thing you call god
I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with god, or the idea of a god, has been pretty shaky since Cayden was born and died. But this morning's devastating news has pretty much solidified my feelings. Don't get me wrong, I was never the type to believe that god meddled in individual lives, never really prayed for specific things for me, but at one point I had some sense that there was a larger picture and perhaps this thing called god was in control. I've never done well with comments like, "God chose you to be Cayden's parents" or "God meant for this to happen" or "God has a plan for you". They're not comforting to me and they just don't jive with my experience.
What the hell am I talking about? I'm talking about this. Mirne and Craig just lost their third beautiful baby, Jet. Don't tell me there's a god, don't tell me this was meant to be. I am heartbroken for these wonderful people who are living in a hell I cannot fathom. I am crying for them and for Freyja, Kees, and Jet.
Please don't comment here. Instead, I wish you'd visit Mirne and Craig and tell them how sorry you are that they've lost three babies, how you wish this nightmare was just that. And I'm comfortable that others have different views of god, but I'm in no mood to hear them today.
What the hell am I talking about? I'm talking about this. Mirne and Craig just lost their third beautiful baby, Jet. Don't tell me there's a god, don't tell me this was meant to be. I am heartbroken for these wonderful people who are living in a hell I cannot fathom. I am crying for them and for Freyja, Kees, and Jet.
Please don't comment here. Instead, I wish you'd visit Mirne and Craig and tell them how sorry you are that they've lost three babies, how you wish this nightmare was just that. And I'm comfortable that others have different views of god, but I'm in no mood to hear them today.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Ezra Malik
This weekend I'm thinking deeply of my dear friend Sarah, her husband David, and their beautiful baby boy Ezra. Sarah has taught me so much on this journey and I am grateful each day to have her in my life. While I wish I could be with them as they unveil Ezra's headstone, I will say kaddish for their beautiful boy tomorrow and remember him always.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Buggy
Last night Scott told me that a ladybug landed on his leg while he was sitting on the couch. I'm taking this as a sign that it's time to finally announce that we are growing Cayden's little brother, affectionately known as Buggy.
We have kept this quiet as it's an overwhelmingly frightening experience, and we have desired to minimize the number of people forced to ride this rollercoaster with us. We are fortunate to be surrounded with an amazing amount of love and support, without which I don't want to fathom where we'd be.
I chose this picture because I think it perfectly portrays the delicacy of our current situation. As of today, everything seems okay. But we have been repeatedly told that we are not out of the woods (I used to love the woods, starting to kind of hate them now...), as Pena-Shokeir can appear well into the third trimester.
I chose this picture because I think it perfectly portrays the delicacy of our current situation. As of today, everything seems okay. But we have been repeatedly told that we are not out of the woods (I used to love the woods, starting to kind of hate them now...), as Pena-Shokeir can appear well into the third trimester.
We are grateful to find ourselves here, incredibly scared, and hoping for a different kind of January.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Hope
Tonight I'm remembering Hope. The 19th is her first birthday and since her mum and dad live in Australia, it's already the 19th there.
Hope's mum Sally has been an incredible support to me and while I wish we'd never met this way, I am so glad to have her as a dear friend. Much love to them as they miss their baby girl.
Hope's mum Sally has been an incredible support to me and while I wish we'd never met this way, I am so glad to have her as a dear friend. Much love to them as they miss their baby girl.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Love
Yesterday I visited a very special girl in a beautiful place and was reminded that all you need is love.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Perspective Shift
Last Friday I was watching the movie "Knocked Up", one of our favorites and frequently on HBO these days. This post is about one of the last scenes, in which the main character Alison is in labor, attempting a drug-free birth, when the baby starts having decelerations of the heart rate. The doctor thinks the cord may be wrapped around the neck and the following conversation transpires (I've edited, for the sake of brevity. Feel free to skip this part if you remember the movie.):
DR. KUNI: We’re good. The heartbeat’s stronger,but we’re not out of the woods. We need to get things going now. I think the cord is wrapped around the neck.
BEN: What?
DR. KUNI: So I’m going to give you some medicine, pop the bag and get things going, okay? I don’t want to leave the baby in there for long and we can give you some medicine for the pain.
ALISON: No, no, no, no. I don’t want the baby to be born all drugged out. It’s not my birth plan.
DR. KUNI: Now, things change. We don’t have time to debate this.
ALISON: What? No. But no, I’m not comfortable with that. I’m not.
BEN: No. Would you please just listen to her?
DR. KUNI: Fine. Do what you want to do. Should I leave? Do you want to be the doctor? Because I really don’t need to be here.
BEN: No. What we want is to take a second to talk about our options, okay? That’s all we want.
DR. KUNI: No. You mean you want to take a second to tell me how to do my job. My job is to get that baby out safely. Or I can go home! You just let me know. You be the doctor.
At this point, Ben and Dr. Kuni go into the hallway to talk.
BEN: Look, she’s just having a hard time because her and her doctor had a very specific birth plan. And they wanted it to be a very special experience.
DR. KUNI: Okay. if you want a special experience, go to a Jimmy Buffet concert. We have a new birth plan: Get the baby out safely.
They agree to start fresh and return to the room. After Dr. Kuni explains that he wants to break her water and give her some medicine to speed things up because he doesn't want to risk an infection, Alison replies: "Whatever. Do what you have to do." Dr. Kuni leaves and Alison says, " Oh my God. What a nightmare that guy is."
When I first saw this movie in the theater, I remember agreeing with Alison. I'd wanted a drug-free birth (I don't love the term 'natural' birth, but I mean the same thing), we'd interviewed a doula, and I cared a whole heck of a lot about my birth experience. I thought Dr. Kuni was an asshole and I chose to be seen at a women's clinic primarily staffed by midwives known for encouraging low intervention births.
When I saw the movie again last Friday, I nearly threw a glass at the television. This selfish bitch, whose baby is possibly in danger, throws a tantrum because her precious plan has changed focus from a "very special experience" to getting the baby out safely. How could she argue with getting her baby out safely? She calls the doctor whose sole concern is the safety of her child a "nightmare". She's worried about having a "drugged out" baby. How about worrying about having a dead baby?
This got me thinking about how I ever felt differently than I did last Friday and I think it comes down to this. Babies dying was not part of my schema when I first saw "Knocked Up". I assumed that 9 months = a healthy baby. I now know that is far from true. And it terrifies me. I don't really get jealous or sad when I see pregnant women these days, I'm scared as hell for them since I know that babies die. A lot of babies die for many different reasons. Too many babies. I bet that thought had never entered lovely Alison's mind. Afterall, it was only after I met so many mamas who had lost their babies that I actually looked up and discovered that my Mayo Clinic pregnancy guide had a brief section on stillbirth and neonatal loss. I'd skipped over that part, because, well, it couldn't happen to me, right?
DR. KUNI: We’re good. The heartbeat’s stronger,but we’re not out of the woods. We need to get things going now. I think the cord is wrapped around the neck.
BEN: What?
DR. KUNI: So I’m going to give you some medicine, pop the bag and get things going, okay? I don’t want to leave the baby in there for long and we can give you some medicine for the pain.
ALISON: No, no, no, no. I don’t want the baby to be born all drugged out. It’s not my birth plan.
DR. KUNI: Now, things change. We don’t have time to debate this.
ALISON: What? No. But no, I’m not comfortable with that. I’m not.
BEN: No. Would you please just listen to her?
DR. KUNI: Fine. Do what you want to do. Should I leave? Do you want to be the doctor? Because I really don’t need to be here.
BEN: No. What we want is to take a second to talk about our options, okay? That’s all we want.
DR. KUNI: No. You mean you want to take a second to tell me how to do my job. My job is to get that baby out safely. Or I can go home! You just let me know. You be the doctor.
At this point, Ben and Dr. Kuni go into the hallway to talk.
BEN: Look, she’s just having a hard time because her and her doctor had a very specific birth plan. And they wanted it to be a very special experience.
DR. KUNI: Okay. if you want a special experience, go to a Jimmy Buffet concert. We have a new birth plan: Get the baby out safely.
They agree to start fresh and return to the room. After Dr. Kuni explains that he wants to break her water and give her some medicine to speed things up because he doesn't want to risk an infection, Alison replies: "Whatever. Do what you have to do." Dr. Kuni leaves and Alison says, " Oh my God. What a nightmare that guy is."
When I first saw this movie in the theater, I remember agreeing with Alison. I'd wanted a drug-free birth (I don't love the term 'natural' birth, but I mean the same thing), we'd interviewed a doula, and I cared a whole heck of a lot about my birth experience. I thought Dr. Kuni was an asshole and I chose to be seen at a women's clinic primarily staffed by midwives known for encouraging low intervention births.
When I saw the movie again last Friday, I nearly threw a glass at the television. This selfish bitch, whose baby is possibly in danger, throws a tantrum because her precious plan has changed focus from a "very special experience" to getting the baby out safely. How could she argue with getting her baby out safely? She calls the doctor whose sole concern is the safety of her child a "nightmare". She's worried about having a "drugged out" baby. How about worrying about having a dead baby?
This got me thinking about how I ever felt differently than I did last Friday and I think it comes down to this. Babies dying was not part of my schema when I first saw "Knocked Up". I assumed that 9 months = a healthy baby. I now know that is far from true. And it terrifies me. I don't really get jealous or sad when I see pregnant women these days, I'm scared as hell for them since I know that babies die. A lot of babies die for many different reasons. Too many babies. I bet that thought had never entered lovely Alison's mind. Afterall, it was only after I met so many mamas who had lost their babies that I actually looked up and discovered that my Mayo Clinic pregnancy guide had a brief section on stillbirth and neonatal loss. I'd skipped over that part, because, well, it couldn't happen to me, right?
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